When my daughter’s vacation Bible school leader approached me to say my daughter’s the smartest kid in her class, my immediate response was, “That’s funny—her brother’s the smart one.” It took just a second for me to realize how ridiculous my statement was. It’s so easy to label our children: the brain, the athlete, the artist. But sometimes, our attempts to classify our kids limit them or discourage them. A mom I heard about was afraid to let her intelligence show in her family because her older sister was the “academic one.”
There are many downsides to labeling people, but it is especially hurtful to kids. Kids hang on to every word their moms say. Consequently, when we label our children, they often feel like they can’t break out of that label. So, if you tell your child he’s this or that, he will take it to heart, even if you’re making a casual observation. Here are 5 ways labeling hurts our children.
1. They hear us label others but not them.
Moms usually mean no harm when they do this, but it can stigmatize a sensitive child. You’re talking about what a great job one of your kids is doing in school. “She is doing so well,” you say. “She got another awesome grade on her test. She is just really smart.” As your other child listens, they infer that they are not the smart one.
2. We call them a name, and they hear a label.
This is unintentional labeling. Your kids are all outside playing when they start having races in the backyard. One of your kids loses every time. You mean no harm, and your child is a good sport, so you say, “Hey, Slowpoke! You look like a turtle out there!” Of course, you meant it all in fun, but your child has just heard a label he’ll likely remember. If you’ve done this before, or the next time you do it, apologize right away and reassure your child that he is not the label.
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3. You label in anger.
Even the most caring mom can snap and say something she shouldn’t. You’re tired, you’re frustrated, and you’re tired of seeing your child’s room look like a disaster area. So the words come flying out of your mouth, “This room is disgusting! You are so lazy!” Your child’s room may be a mess. Your child may have lazy tendencies, but bringing up those challenges in anger is a negative approach.
4. You put your labels on them.
One mom told her son, “Oh, you have a bad memory, just like me.” That child went through college and medical school thinking he had a poor memory, even though reality showed he didn’t. So when you make an observation about yourself, don’t inadvertently lump them in with you.
5. Your labels feel like pressure.
You may think that labeling your child as the best student in his class or the fastest runner on his team might motivate him, but it can actually feel like pressure. What if he gets a bad grade or comes in third in a race? Labeling him makes him feel like he’s letting you down when he doesn’t live up to your label.
You may think that labeling your child as the best student in his class or the fastest runner on his team might motivate him, but it can actually feel like pressure. Click To TweetWhat have you been labeling your children?
