I was talking to my former neighbor the other day. She’s 93 years old and raised two sons. I asked for her best piece of parenting advice. Her response: “Stick to your words.” Funny thing was, I had just done that a few days earlier. My son had done something he knew he shouldn’t have—he’d been warned, so I took away his iPad and quietly said, “You just lost this for the weekend.” That’s when the begging for compromise began. He even reminded me how “God forgives us” so I should forgive him and give him back his iPad. I admit, I almost caved, but I didn’t. I reminded myself that if I gave in, my word would mean nothing with my son.
Sticking to what you say isn’t easy, especially when your kid is apologetic and sweet. It’s a struggle for all of us, but with anything difficult, the more your practice, the easier it’ll get. Here are 5 ways to stick to what you say in parenting.
1. Think before you speak.
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to give some pretty extreme consequences. “If you don’t clean your room right now, you’re not going outside for a year!” See? Before you let the words come out of your mouth, be sure they’re realistic and something you can stick with. Take a breath before issuing a consequence. You may need to give yourself a time out to think about your next words and decide whether they’re ones you want to say.
2. Your word is your bond.
If your kids know you’re wishy-washy, your word isn’t worth much. Once they peg you as a “giver-inner,” they’ll push and push until they get you to cave. If they know it’ll take 10 minutes to get you to cave, they’ll keep at it. If after 20 minutes, you tend to give in, they’ll keep at it for 20. So, even if they’ve been begging for a while or trying to get their way, don’t give in if you’ve already said no. It’ll only communicate that if they push long enough, they’ll get what they want. To prevent the begging in the first place, set clear ground rules so they know what to expect.
3. It’s better for them.
When our children promise us “I’ll never do it again” or “I’ll make my bed every day from now on,” we want to believe them. And maybe they stick to their promise for several days in a row. But if they get out of consequences with sweet pleadings and short-term compromises, they’ll never get the benefit of learning from the consequences of their actions. If kids are allowed to negotiate with you, they will start try it at every turn. Not only will that get exhausting for you, but there may also be some confusion in the household about who’s in charge.
4. Get back up.
If you feel yourself wavering, call for back up. Get your husband in on the plan and have him step in with fresh resolve. Sometimes it’s too much for one person. It doesn’t hurt to ask your husband to stand with you now and then to show your child you’re not going to change your mind. Standing with him when he needs an extra hand works too. Kids will also learn they can’t go behind one parent’s back and work on getting what they want with the other if the two of you show you’re a team.
5. Walk away.
Don’t get drawn into long arguments with your kids about why they think you need to change your mind or lessen the consequence. Restate the consequence and then say, “This conversation is over.” Then, if it’s safe to do so, walk away. If they continue to try to engage, become a broken record and tell them the conversation is over again. Then, get busy with something else—wiping down a counter, reading a magazine, feeding the dog—anything to distract yourself. Eventually, they will get the idea.
How do you stick to what you say?
