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6 Mistakes to Avoid When Raising a Daughter

I’ve entered a new phase of raising a daughter. My oldest daughter, who’s also my oldest child, is engaged. This daughter of mine has always brought me great happiness, and now, we have a friend relationship, too. I respect her advice and seek her opinion on work matters. I also look to her for fashion tips.

I tell you all of this to give you hope in case you’re still navigating the joys and challenges of raising a daughter and wondering if you’re where you need to be on the journey. I also want you to know that my path in raising my three daughters hasn’t always been smooth. There were many times when I faltered and had to learn the hard way. Here are 6 mistakes to avoid when raising a daughter.

1. Expecting Her to Be Like You

Even if your daughter looks like you, she still might not be like you. Of my three daughters, the one who looks the most like me is the least like me. Where I’m logical, she’s creative and free-thinking. Where I’m practical, she’s dramatic. Yet it’s been in parenting her differences that I’ve become a better mother and a more well-rounded person. So if your daughter is different from you, enter into her world of interests as much as you can, parent to her personality and innate tendencies, and accept her for who she is.

2. Focusing Too Much on Her Looks

Just because society focuses on appearance doesn’t mean we have to. To break out of the tendency to focus on your daughter’s looks, realize that there are many different body types and that some children will never have a slim or toned appearance. As long as your daughter is within a healthy weight range, don’t even bring up what she eats, dieting, or “cutting back.” This sends the message that you’re not good enough and sets her up for a future of dieting and hating her own body. The same holds true for other aspects of her appearance. Don’t bug her about how she does her hair, about her clothing choices, or other minor things. Make sure your comments don’t lead her to believe you’re always trying to “improve” her.

3. Avoiding Uncomfortable Talks

When I was growing up, my mom—as wonderful as she was—didn’t talk to me much about boys, sex, or even puberty. And while I managed OK, it’s really best if your daughter learns about these things from you. You can do this in a couple of ways: You can purposefully set aside time to address heavier topics, or you can weave the important points into your daily life. Whichever you choose, it’s important that your daughter sees you as a resource to turn to.

You also want her to have a very clear picture of your expectations in these areas based on your family’s values. It’s good to say “don’t have sex before marriage” if you don’t want her to, but don’t leave it at that. Talk to her about the choices she’ll have to make even before the question of sex comes up. Be ready to discuss how far is too far and why sex isn’t just a physical act, but an emotional and spiritual one as well.

4. Not Coaching Her on Relationships With Boys

Lots of girls assume they have to have a boyfriend to have value. Let your daughter know that’s not true and coach her on the kind of boy she should look for. Stay ahead of the game and talk with her before she starts dating. Unfortunately, I didn’t do this with my daughter and when a boy she wasn’t interested in asked her to homecoming, she couldn’t come up with a nice way to say no. She went with him and the next thing you knew, they became a couple.

It soon became clear to me that my daughter didn’t have the same feelings for this boy that he had for her. I talked with her about how a relationship is a commitment and that she should’ve gotten to know him better before agreeing to be his girlfriend. But eventually, they both decided they were too busy for a relationship and broke up. And the nice thing is they’re still friends to this day.

5. Putting Down Her Father

Regardless of the state of the relationship between you and your daughter’s father, do all you can to foster a good relationship between them. Girls need the type of love a father provides. Knowing they have their father’s love makes girls more secure in future romantic relationships. So try not to put down your husband in front of your daughter, encourage her relationship with him, and point out her dad’s good qualities.

Girls need the type of love a father provides. Click To Tweet

6. Worrying About the Wrong Thingspray for my daughter

It’s easy to lose sight of the big picture when raising a daughter, so choose your battles with her carefully. Moms could nitpick their daughters all day about how to improve and do better, and, yes, it’s part of our job description to help guide our children. But try to remember that our main job as moms is to prepare them for adulthood. So, think about what you want your daughter to be like as a 25-year-old woman. It will help you today to focus on what’s really important in your parenting.

Take a look at our 10 Ways to Pray for Your Daughter printable to zero in on what’s important.

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