Every marriage goes through seasons: the starry-eyed courtship and newlywed years; the tough grind of the children and careers years; and the strange silence of the empty nest. In each of these phases of life, your love affair with your husband may look and feel a bit different. It might even feel like you’re falling out of love with your husband.
But what if the missing chemistry with our husbands is due to something specific that we can change? What if the real problem is our thinking, the way we look at our husband?
We also want to be careful that we’re not accidentally falling out of love with our husband. See if you are falling into one of these dangerous six thought patterns:
1. Comparison Shopping.
In the grocery aisle, it’s a great idea. In the husband department, it’s a terrible idea. Constant comparisons of your spouse to other husbands is a dangerous and imprecise game. It’s dangerous because it feeds feelings of discontent with what you have and misleading because you’re comparing someone you truly know—warts and all—to someone you know only on the surface.
2. Buying the Marriage Myth.
Marriages in the movies are constant desire and ultimate satisfaction—because they’re over in two hours. A real marriage is a partnership for experiencing both the joys and struggles of life. Some days are great, but some days are just downright hard. The world is imperfect, therefore your spouse and—gasp—you are too. Don’t believe the lie that something is fundamentally wrong because every day isn’t hearts and rainbows. Instead, have these 8 realistic expectations for your marriage.
A real marriage is a partnership for experiencing both the joys and struggles of life.
3. The Soul Mate Standard.
In our culture, the idea of a “soul mate” is a popular concept. Soul mate syndrome suggests that there is one, perfect mate out there for each of us and that, if our relationship takes work, it must be because we’re not with our soul mate. While there are key areas of compatibility that make marriage easier and should be considered before walking down the aisle, there is much that can be done after the “I dos” to make your husband your soul mate.
4. Making it All about You.
Nothing kills feelings of romance in a relationship faster than constantly evaluating how you feel, what you want, and whether the current situation is fulfilling to you. In fact, excessive focus on your own needs and desires will almost guarantee that they’ll never be fully met. Be sure you’re not becoming one of these types of negative wife.
5. Dwelling on the Negative.
If you spend lots of time recounting the ways in which your husband falls short, that’s all you see when he walks in the door. Take some time when you’re not feeling the love to list—yes, really write them down—the things he gets right. Reflect on what it was about him that first lit the fire for you. Odds are those traits are still there. If they’re buried under a mountain of real-life conflict, bills and kids, determine to dig them out and enjoy them again. And look for what you can be thankful for about your husband. Here are 99 ways to get you started.
6. Rebuffing His Attempts at Romance.
When your husband wants to rekindle the fires of romance and connect with you, don’t be so quick to shut him down. He may not get it just right, but you’ll both be better off if you acknowledge that he’s trying and build on it. Who knows? So ask yourself: Am I stoking the fire or dousing it?
What would you say to a friend who said she was falling out of love with her husband?