Every time I hear about a recently divorced woman getting introduced to a new guy before the ink on the divorce papers is dry, I cringe. I want to say, “No! It’s too soon!” As an outsider who’s been through it, I know she needs time for healing and rebuilding. But when you’re the one who’s lonely, looking for someone to spend time with can make your vision a little blurry. You tend to see the things that will make you feel better as “good” when they really might make your situation worse.
Most single moms are aware that being lonely is a bad reason to date, but sometimes it’s not that clear. These 7 bad reasons to date someone are a little more covert but can lead to the same heartache.
1. Because People Told You to Get Back Out There
When I was newly divorced, I heard you should remain single one year for every year you were married. At 34 years of age, I had six years of marriage behind me and couldn’t imagine staying single until I was 40. While I don’t necessarily agree with the math, I think the spirit of the advice is good. Getting back out there to try to repair the damage left in the wake of your divorce is a bad reason to date someone.
A good reason to date is that you have grown in awareness, self-worth, and your ability to love, and you’re ready to share that with someone.
2. Because You Think You Can’t Make It on Your Own
When I started dating my now-husband, I was in the process of buying my house. He was incredibly handy and helpful, but I made it clear to him that I didn’t need to be rescued. I know way too many women who panic about living on their own and rush into dating. But I’ve seen just as many wait to date and discover that they are way more resourceful than they ever gave themselves credit for.
A good reason to date is that you know your strengths and weaknesses and are ready to be in a relationship where there’s give and take.
3. Because There’s a Guy Who’s Single
I remember giving a second glance to every single guy who walked past me at church. At the time, I knew I wasn’t ready to date any of them, but I worried that the following Sunday, they’d all suddenly be married. While eligibility should be a prerequisite for dating a guy, it doesn’t automatically make him a good match for you.
A good reason to date is that you’ve met a man who’s in the same place in life as you are and you’re both eager to get to know each other.
While eligibility should be a prerequisite for dating a guy, it doesn’t automatically make him a good match for you. Click To Tweet4. Because You Need the Extra Income
When my husband and I got married, I felt a huge sense of relief that my mortgage was now “our” mortgage. But guess what. He brought in new expenses, like student loans and a car payment. If you date a man because money is tight, you’re using him. It’s not fair to him and it puts you in the dangerous position of staying in the relationship out of financial necessity.
Hugs from your kids are great, but they don’t replace feeling attractive and desired by a man. If you felt unloved or unwanted in your marriage, you are probably craving this—badly. But this is one of the more dangerous things on the list of the bad reasons to date someone because it might make you compromise your values or move too quickly.
A good reason to date is that you have grown to love yourself more fully and know that you have worth beyond your appearance or marital status.
6. Because You’re Tired of Being the Third Wheel
Are you tired of your “party of four” now being a “party of three?” Even if your girlfriends’ husbands are great guys, being the odd girl out is a reminder that you’re no longer coupled. As eager as you probably are to find a guy who fits into your crew, being alone is better than being with the wrong guy.
A good reason to date is that you are content to do things on your own, but you’re ready to try new adventures with the right person.
7. Because You Want Your Kids to Have a Good Male Influence
If your husband passed away or your kids’ father isn’t in the picture, you are probably acutely aware of their need for a good male influence. But dating a guy just to fill that void in your children’s lives is unwise. You need to wait until you’re able to discern if the man is a good fit for you before you can know he’s a good fit for your children.
A good reason to date is that you’re confident in your abilities as a mother and your kids know they’re loved. You want to find a father figure for them, but you’re not willing to compromise your needs.
What have you learned are other bad reasons to date someone? What’s a good one?
