There are times when we have to face our kids’ chaotic emotions, whether it’s your preschooler throwing an angry tantrum, your kid slamming doors after a bad day at school, or your teen shutting down completely when you try to talk to her. It happens. When my kids were young, I found out how to calm kids down using a trick that worked wonders.
And eight years later, it still works. The best part is that this method not only calms your child down, but it also builds a connection and strengthens your relationship. (Yes! You can grow closer through conflict!) OK, here’s what it is.
Think “L.E.A.N.”
When you want to run away from the chaotic display of emotion in front of you, “lean” in instead. If you can master this technique, you’ll be on your way to calmer parenting while modeling healthy emotional regulation skills to your children.
L=Level
The first step seems small, but it is effective: get down on their literal and emotional level. For younger children, this might mean stooping down to their height. For older kids, it might mean sitting down next to them. For teens, side-by-side positioning often helps them open up because they feel less pressure.
But “Level” also means taking a moment to get on your child’s level by putting yourself in his or her shoes. A misunderstanding during recess might seem small to you, but for your child, it feels like the end of the world.
Research shows that when parents stay calm and position themselves as approachable, it shifts the entire dynamic. Your calm presence helps your child’s nervous system settle down. This is called co-regulation.
E=Eye Contact
Look into their eyes to get their focus. Often when kids are upset, their minds are swirling and so are their bodies. They might pace, slam things around, rub their faces, or even throw themselves on the floor. This indicates how much is going on inside them.
With my preschool-aged son, I would get down on my knees, gently take his shoulders, and say, “Look at Mommy.” When he looked at me, he then could hear what I had to say. For younger children, this direct eye contact helps them shift from their emotional brain to their thinking brain.
With tweens and teens, though, eye contact works differently. Intense face-to-face eye contact can feel confrontational or overwhelming when they’re already dysregulated. Instead, try what’s called “soft eye contact,” being in their presence without staring them down. You might sit at an angle or talk while doing an activity together.
Regardless of your child’s age, once you have their attention, you have a better chance of cutting through the chaos. Your child can actually hear you, and real communication becomes possible.
A & N=Ask the Need
Ask this question: “What do you need?” With this simple question, kids can shift from everything-is-wrong mode to problem-solving mode, which is what they actually need in this situation. During a conflict, asking what they need communicates a win-win attitude rather than win-lose.
What if they tell you what they need, but you can’t provide it? Or what if it’s not reasonable? That’s completely OK. Just by acknowledging the need, you’re taking a crucial step in how to calm kids down.
Younger kids may need help identifying their needs, so you can offer choices: “Do you need a hug, some space, or a snack?” Older kids can often articulate their needs with gentle prompting: “I hear you’re frustrated. What would help right now?” Tweens and teens may initially respond with “I don’t know” or silence. Give them time and stay present. Sometimes rephrasing helps: “What’s making this so hard right now?”
The solution is usually more effective when they’re part of creating it. Kids just need your assistance in making that shift from reactive to reflective thinking.
Getting Out of Hijack Mode
Learning how to calm kids down requires knowing how they get worked up in the first place. We do our more reasonable, logical thinking in the frontal lobe of the brain. But when there is a strong emotion, like fear or anger, your brain experiences “amygdala hijack.” Basically, your emotion takes over and your frontal lobe is hijacked. You can’t think logically and you go into “fight or flight” mode. This can look (and feel) very chaotic. By using the L.E.A.N. method, you can help your child slow down long enough to switch back into the frontal lobe of the brain.
Do you have a method for how to calm kids down? What about adults?
