When my husband and I divorced, I said, “I need to know what I did wrong so I can fix it and not do it again.” As you can imagine, the answer wasn’t as simple as “stop nagging” or “be more supportive of me.” But still, the desire in me to change something reflected what I think I knew deep down—I needed some time for self-reflection and ultimately self-improvement.
No matter what relationship in your life is on the rocks, the only thing you have control over is yourself. Focusing inward will give you a sense of mission to grow and change, and that change will not only help the troubled relationships, it will also make the healthy ones grow stronger. It’s not an easy road though, so you’ll have to stay focused on what you have to gain from working on self-improvement, like these 6 ways it will heal your relationships.
1. Looking at ourselves means we respect others.
When we take responsibility to make a situation better, we start to think about the needs of others. It shows them respect. When we respect others, it has the effect of lowering barriers. Lowered barriers lead to increased communication.
2. You judge yourself, not them.
Once we take responsibility for ourselves, we tend to stop judging others. “What can I do to make family dinners more conversational?” is more effective than, “Mark, I’m tired of your one-word answers to my questions.”
3. It has a domino effect.
When we change ourselves—the only change we can control—others in the family begin to relate to us differently. For example, if I show genuine interest in my daughter’s day, then she is more likely to show interest in me. Self-improvement tends to inspire others.
4. Owning your feelings leads to good psychological health.
Once we stop the blame game, we clear the way to engaging our personal potential and are no longer blocked by the sabotage of giving over the power for change to our children or a spouse.
5. Hope enters the equation.
Once positive change begins, an atmosphere of “more change is possible” is created. “Mom didn’t yell this morning. Who knows what might happen next?!”
6. It becomes about what you can give, not what you can get.
Changing others is about satisfying our own demands. Changing ourselves shifts the focus to service, to giving to the family, and to the kind of love that is others-oriented instead of self-seeking.
How have you already worked on self-improvement? How has it helped your relationships?
