“I don’t need your help,” my 11-year-old daughter said curtly. I stared for a few seconds as she stirred the pot of pasta. “OK,” I responded hesitantly, “but after it comes to a boil, turn the—” “I know, Mom! Just let me do it!” she interrupted.
Kids can be a little harsh sometimes, pushing us away when we’re trying to support them. But before you chalk it up to pure rudeness, consider that there could be some hidden reasons behind it—those that your own child likely doesn’t realize. Here are the 3 real reasons your child pushes you away and how to handle them.
1. He wants your attention.
He yelled “Go away!” because he wants your attention? Huh? This is one of the reasons your child pushes you away that seems illogical. Sometimes he fails to find the right words to say what he needs, or he’s been trying and hasn’t gotten the response he’s wanted. As a result, he might try to push you away in order to get your attention. Psychology Today says if children can’t get positive attention, they go to plan B—seeking negative attention—because that’s better than no attention at all.
Think of playing with a yo-yo. You push it away in order to see if it will come back. Sometimes our kids push us away, but really, they are yearning for us to come right back with our attention, reassurance, or unconditional love. So the next time he tells you to go away, take a deep breath, and ask yourself if he might actually need you to come closer with some undivided attention or reassurance. Wait for a calm moment and let him know that you love him no matter what. If it feels right, ask if he’d like to talk.
2. She’s developing independence.
When my daughter didn’t want my help with the macaroni, it stung a little bit. But once I got over it, I realized she was very capable of this “adult” task. According to Erik Erikson’s famous “8 stages of psychosocial development,” my 11-year-old lands at the end of stage 4 with a desire for competence (“I can do this task”) and the beginning of stage 5 with a desire to develop her own identity (“I am my own person”). So of course she would want to make her own mac-and-cheese. She’s not pushing me away as much as she is moving at a normal pace toward independence.
In these developmentally stretching moments, don’t take it personally when she doesn’t need you for something you’ve always helped her with in the past. Even though she may be abrupt with you, she really desires your “blessing” to let her take on a task that was once yours, and she still needs your support. This can be as simple as agreeing with her (“Yes, you can do this.”) or offering a little encouragement along the way (“Keep going!”).
3. He needs help but doesn’t know how to ask for it.
I drove my son home one evening, and it was just the two of us. Normally, that would be his favorite time to talk, but he was silent. I remember asking, “Is everything at school OK?” He answered with a short, “Yeah.” Two weeks later, I found out that he’d been getting low grades in a couple classes and needed a tutor.
Sometimes kids just feel too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about something, so they avoid it. They need help, but they don’t know how to ask for it. As a mom, the best thing to do is patiently keep an eye out when something seems amiss. Give it some time to come out. When it does, meet it with composure and offer reassurance that he can share mistakes with you because you’re there to help him solve his problems. Then, together, brainstorm ways to make it right.
Help another mom out. What are other reasons your child pushes you away sometimes?
