Several months ago, I spoke to John Van Arnam, the founder and executive director of The Third Talk. His mission is to help parents initiate conversations with their kids in order to prevent exposure to online pornography.
Van Arnam speaks to teens in schools about the dangers of porn and the effect it can have on relationships. Not only does he speak, he listens. He gets to hear teen’s beliefs on pornography firsthand.
On our fathering site, All Pro Dad, our writers have written about the effects of porn, specifically the impact it’s having on our kids. They’ve drawn on many experts, but wouldn’t you like to know what kids are saying about it?
Jazz trumpeter and composer Wynton Marsalis asked his students what the biggest difference was between his generation and theirs. Their shocking answer: porn. It’s all around them, and they have plenty to say. Here are 5 things teens are saying about porn.
1. Adults won’t talk to us about it.
That’s a sad statement. John Van Arnam said he hears this from teens all the time. I once received an email from a parent upset that I had written an article about porn, saying, “What does porn have to do with my 10-year-old son?”
This is my answer: Our kids are inundated with porn, and we have abandoned them to make sense of it alone. The images and messages that porn sends are confusing at best. At worst, they’re degrading, misogynistic, shame-inducing, and violent.
If we don’t talk to our kids about this, then porn will help form their opinions about sex and relationships. That’s probably why many teens agreed with the next statement.
2. It may not be accurate, but it gives us helpful info about sex.
According to a survey by Common Sense Media, 45% of teens believe that porn gives helpful information about sex while only 27% think it shows sex accurately. That means they are turning to porn to form their understanding of sex. I’m glad to see that neither of these percentages are a majority, but it’s still high, especially the number of those who think it’s helpful.
Healthy sex involves love, connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. Porn doesn’t involve any of that. The physical acts in porn are often humiliating for the people involved, especially the women. It’s the last place kids need to be learning about sex.
3. Most of us have seen violent porn.
According to the same study by Common Sense Media, over 50% of teens have seen violent porn. That’s porn that includes “rape, choking, or someone in pain.” Think about that stat. That means if you have two kids, it’s likely that one of them has viewed this type of porn.
Every parent wrongly assumes that their kid would never. Don’t be that parent. Assume the stats line up with your kids, and talk to them.
4. We typically see it at a sleepover or the bus ride home from school.
This was another point John Van Arnam told me kids say. Having safeguards and internet controls is excellent, but those safeguards don’t extend beyond your house and devices.
Your first response may be to never allow your child to go to a sleepover or ride the bus. If that’s the course of action you take, that’s understandable and certainly not wrong.
But the reality is, you’re not going to be able to provide airtight security around your kids at all times. They will encounter porn at some point, and it’s best to prepare them. Make sure your kids know the addictive nature of porn and the dangers it poses to their lives and relationships. Teach them the images we look at impact our thoughts, perceptions, and attitudes.
5. When adults do talk to us, it’s encouraging.
Teens reported in the Common Sense Media study that when a trusted adult did speak to them, it encouraged them to learn about sex and sexuality apart from pornography. This was a more uplifting stat that came from the study because it shows that caring adults have an impact. We just have to take the initiative. Unfortunately, the study affirmed the first point. Close to 60% of teens have never had a discussion about porn with a trusted adult.
Which of these teen beliefs on pornography do you find most troubling? What should we do about it?
