“This was YOUR idea!” My husband reminded me through gritted teeth that I was the one who wanted to attempt a complicated cookie recipe when I don’t even know how to set up the Kitchen-Aid mixer. “I thought it would be fun! I didn’t know you’d be so bossy,” I pushed back. I had envisioned a cozy, romantic baking session. But five minutes in, we were arguing about how much mixing was over-mixing.
There’s so much pressure to make the holidays magical—to create memories, uphold traditions, and somehow not lose your ever-loving mind. And with holidays and relationship stress, husbands don’t all respond the same way. Some jump in to help, some retreat into the background, and others try to give advice when all you want is to vent. But there’s another option: preparing for the season together to protect what’s most important. With these 7 intentional shifts, you and your husband can protect your marriage, reduce holiday stress, and actually enjoy each other’s presence.
1. Talk through expectations for the month.
Before December’s schedule explodes onto the calendar, sit down together and map out what’s ahead. Decide where you’re going, what family obligations you’re saying yes to, a gift budget, travel plans, and even grocery runs. Include boundaries with extended family—how long you’ll visit, what you’ll host—and be honest about what feels doable. Don’t forget that the world doesn’t stop just because Christmas is coming. There are still volleyball tournaments on weekends, work deadlines, and errands.
2. Create a you/me/us list together.
This one has been a game-changer in our house. Make a list of everything that needs to happen in December—shopping, concerts, decorating, cleaning… Then decide together what belongs on the “you” list (his jobs), the “me” list (your jobs), and the “us” list (things you’ll tackle side by side). You can make these lists a week at a time, or map out the whole month with the understanding that nothing is set in stone.
For example: He’s in charge of post office runs, you handle the school parties, and together you put up the tree. That “together” category matters. It keeps you from feeling like roommates dividing chores. It’s one of those simple marriage communication tips that can protect you from resentment.
3. Put sex on the calendar.
Scheduling time for sex might not sound romantic, but it shows intentionality. Researchers at York University have noticed that couples who struggle with intimacy often think sex should just ‘happen,’ but researchers argue that being more intentional can actually make the connection stronger. And a stronger connection means you’ll handle the holidays and relationship stress better.
So don’t write it off, write it down! “Siri, schedule sex for Saturday night.” Not sexy, but highly effective.
4. Agree to value presence over performance.
There’s something about the holidays that makes us feel like we’re on display, even if no one is actually watching. We worry whether our cookies will impress the school moms or if our Instagram feed gives “festive but not trying too hard.”
My husband and I try to remind each other that, rather than who is looking at us, it matters more that our kids see us looking at them and pointing them toward generosity and the hope of the season. So, as a couple, agree that presence wins. Decide together which “performances” don’t matter and where you want to slow down so your kids have memories with you in them.
5. Choose connection instead of control.
He insisted the extension cord for the house lights needed to be green and missed hot cocoa to go on another Home Depot run. You wanted the gift wrap and bows to match and huffed an irritated, “Just let me do it.” In both cases, control pushed away the connection.
Instead, agree to notice when you’re gripping too tightly and choose to let go. To do that, ask yourselves, “Will this detail matter come January?” Usually, the answer will be no. Control might win you a neatly wrapped gift. Connection wins you a stronger marriage.
6. Create “us-only” holiday traditions.
Amid all the extended family gatherings, make room for something that’s just yours. Maybe it’s a late-night drive to see the lights or exchanging thrift store gifts. The Gottman Institute calls this the “small things often” principle: building connection through consistent little moments rather than grand gestures. These traditions remind you that the holidays are an ideal time to show your love in small ways often.
7. Give each other grace as your gift.
The holidays magnify our imperfections. Instead of keeping score, agree that grace is the gift you’re going to give each other. That might mean overlooking a sharp tone or letting him nap through the Hallmark movie marathon (even though you bought him a new flannel shirt to fit the vibe). Grace keeps resentment from taking root, and resentment doesn’t make for happy holidays and relationships.
Marriage isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about remembering you’re on the same team and building memories for yourselves and your kids. If you can manage holiday stress together and protect your marriage, you’ll have a stronger marriage by the new year.
What’s a tradition you and your husband have that helps alleviate stress at the holidays?
