“This is why I didn’t tell you,” my son said. “I knew you’d stress out.” As he got out of the car, I sat there puzzled. What just happened here? True—when he stresses about school or can’t sleep at night, I get worried. I want to know what’s bugging him, and yes, I ask questions. As a mom, I’ve tried to be helpful and supportive. But I’ve started to wonder if I’m doing something wrong.
Is it possible that we as parents are contributing to our kids’ stress instead of making it better? After digging around, I discovered there are things parents do that increase anxiety in adolescents. Some things that feel loving can actually fuel their anxiety. Here are 5 ways you could be feeding your teen’s anxiety without even knowing it.
1. You ask a lot of questions.
We love our kids, so it’s natural to show interest in their lives. But “[a]sking the same questions over and over again conveys worry, even if the questions themselves don’t,” say William Stixrud, PhD, and educator Ned Johnson. We may not agree with everything these authors say, but their advice about anxiety is helpful. Asking about lunch might be a logical question, but it could signal to your teen that you’re worried. And asking about algebra every day could come across the wrong way too. We aren’t trying to increase anxiety in our teens, but asking a lot of questions might unintentionally do just that.
What to do instead: Set up one day a week to check in, suggest Stixrud and Johnson. Maybe it’s every Wednesday. Then, hold off with your questions on the other days. Doing this provides more of a balance and less stress for your teen. And if she does have a problem with algebra or friendships, you can still show you’re open to talk by being present and available when she’s around.
2. You try to make difficult things easier.
Making your teen’s lunch or doing his laundry in the evenings because he’s busy feels like being a good parent. Or maybe you step in and talk to his coach or teacher because you think you can do a better job. But as Liz Nassim-Matheis, PhD, says, “[O]ur days of kissing it and making it better are behind us. Our job right now is helping our teens to ‘figure it out’ while they are still in our presence and our home.” They need practice doing the hard things to build grit and resilience. Feeling helpless and not able to cope can increase their anxiety.
What to do instead: Give your teen opportunities to do things for himself. Stay calm if he gets worked up, and convey trust in his abilities.
3. You tell your teen to “just do your best.”
It sounds encouraging, but it’s actually a pretty stressful statement. Maybe she’s trying her best, but only getting a C in bio. Or, she did her best at tryouts, but got cut. “'[T]he best’ can be both extremely hard to achieve and highly subjective,” says teen contributing writer Quincy Kadin in an article on anxiety for USA Today. She points out that high school is very competitive, and doing your best might not be enough. And, sadly, journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace found that teens in high-achieving schools were “two to six times more likely to suffer from clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse disorder than the average American teen.” As moms, let’s cut this sentiment from our repertoire so we’re not adding to our kids’ stress.
What to do instead: Listen more than you advise. When you want to provide encouragement, support your teen by letting her express her feelings and mirroring her statements back to her. If she seems worried about a test, say, “You’re worried about the test. I get that.” This tells your teen you understand and are there for her without piling on any additional pressure.
4. You’re overly involved in your teen’s life.
You might enjoy chaperoning the dance, carpooling the crew to soccer practice, and hosting the girls for a sleepover every month. But being overly involved in your teen’s life sends the message you don’t trust your child in the world. And that can contribute to anxiety in adolescents. As kids get older, they start to develop their own identity, but they have a harder time doing that if you’re always around, keeping a watchful eye. If your over-involvement stems from wanting to keep your child safe, your child doesn’t get the opportunities to face challenges on his or her own. And without that experience, anxiety in adolescence can increase.
What to do instead: If you’re overprotective or over-involved in your teen’s life, take a step back and ask yourself if it stems from your own anxiety. If so, find ways to address it and not let it interfere with your teen’s opportunities to grow and learn.
5. You’re overly critical or expect perfection.
Maybe you think you’re trying to encourage the best in your teen by offering criticism, but too much can actually contribute to anxiety in adolescents. Think about it: If your boss constantly criticized or nitpicked your work, it’d probably be a pretty tense environment, right? You’d feel stressed or anxious about pleasing her. The same thing happens to your teen when you’re too critical. “Youngsters may grow up to be afraid of making mistakes or to constantly worry about living up to expectations, eventually becoming adults with mental illness,” says Alyssa Valentin for Clearbrook Treatment Centers. None of us wants to increase our teens’ anxiety, so being OK with their mistakes and easing up on criticisms is key.
What to do instead: Try to minimize criticism and instead, prioritize affection. Psychologist Suniya S. Luthar’s advice is to “Prioritize affection by using the ‘Puppy Dog Principle,’ by greeting your child once a day the way the family puppy greets their family—just total joy for the human they are.” It’ll send the message that you not only love him, but you like him and accept him for who he is, too.
To learn more, check out this iMOM video:
As a society, what can we do to decrease anxiety in adolescents?
