Right after a single mom I know became an empty nester, she came home from work, stood in the kitchen, and began to cry when she realized she didn’t know what she liked to eat anymore. She had always cooked dinner based on what her children wanted. She spent most of her adult life working and parenting, and she never took time for herself or did anything just for her. As she stood in her kitchen, she realized she had no idea who she was or what she liked, and she needed to figure it out.
You can make changes now to avoid ending up in the same position as my empty nester friend. Here are 4 ways to avoid losing yourself in single motherhood.
1. Focus on being the best mom you can be.
When I first became a single mom, I falsely believed I had to be both mom and dad. So many single moms feel the pressure to be “Dad,” too. We don’t want our kids to lack anything, but that’s an unfair burden to carry. When I put all this pressure on myself to fill the role, it left me mentally, emotionally, and financially drained.
We don't want our kids to lack anything, but that's an unfair burden to carry. Click To TweetSometimes comparison to married friends, what you pictured motherhood would be, or fear can cause you to lose yourself in single motherhood. You are one person. Trust that your children will thrive if you stay focused on spending quality time together, taking self-care breaks, learning who you are as a woman, and healing from past pain.
2. Avoid isolation.
In tears, I called a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while. I told her I felt so alone, because I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I didn’t think anyone would understand. I felt guilty saying that because I have great family support. I was also afraid that feeling alone meant I didn’t love being with my children. My friend spoke in loving truth and pointed out that I felt alone because I’d isolated myself.
Isolation can be rooted in fear and create a barrier to prevent getting hurt again. But isolation can lead to more stress. Even if you have to take baby steps, look for ways to build connections with others. This can happen through church, a mom friend at your children’s school, the gym, or a place where you can be in community with others.
3. Do something nice for yourself.
I operate on a budget, and most of my income goes to bills and stuff for my kids. A friend of mine, who is also a single mom, challenged me to make room in my budget for me. She said she has a rule that whenever she buys something for her children, she gets something for herself to remind herself that she matters, too. If adding something for yourself isn’t an option financially, find something to do for yourself for free. Let your kids sleep in on a Saturday or put them in bed early with reading time to get more time to yourself.
Finances are a major challenge for many single moms and when we look to reduce costs, we tend to eliminate the extras for ourselves first. Look for deals or free activities where you can do something a little extra for you. Or, practice being present in little moments, like when you take that first sip of coffee in the morning.
4. Do something to help you feel beautiful.
I struggled with feeling beautiful after my twins’ dad walked out. I felt rejected because he didn’t want to stay and told me that no man would ever want me. I stopped caring for myself. I didn’t feel like I mattered. I began to feel like a new person once I began showering, putting on regular clothes, and doing my hair. Doing those things, along with therapy and Bible study, helped my confidence and identity come back.
Saying positive affirmations, choosing a scripture to remind yourself that you matter, or caring for your outward beauty can help you feel beautiful. You’ll see yourself in a more positive, loving light and avoid losing yourself in single motherhood.
How do you fill your own cup as a single mom?
