“How does this look?” my husband asked. He’d bought some new dress shirts and stood in our bedroom modeling one of them. I shook my head. “Not my fave.” He turned to the mirror, thought for a moment, and nodded. “Try the next one,” I said. Though we’re busy, being a good friend means making time to help the other person. And being honest and kind when you do.
Many couples are close friends, but not all. And after years of marriage, relationships change. Maybe you used to talk all the time, but now you spend more time confiding in a girlfriend or your mom. If you want to be a better friend or want to know how to become friends with your spouse again, here are 5 ways to start.
1. Spend more alone time together.
“Let’s try to get the kids to bed earlier,” my husband said. They’d gotten into the habit of dragging their feet in the bathroom. My husband and I hadn’t had much time together at night, and I think we both craved more adult conversation.
If you want to be a better friend to your husband, choose him tonight over your book, your phone call to your mom, or your hour on the couch with the kids. Friendships take effort, but they’re worth it. Let your husband know he’s just as important, if not more so, than your other relationships.
2. Support his goals.
My husband is one of those guys who likes to wake up at the crack of dawn, do a slew of stretches next to the bed, and then ride his bike as the sun comes up. I’m really glad he likes to stay fit, but I really hate being woken up out of a deep sleep. To support his fitness goals, I’ve made a minor investment—earplugs. Now, I rarely hear anything.
To become friends with your spouse again, to share your goals with each other. Being vulnerable can draw you closer. If your husband has career goals, listen to them—even if it’s not the perfect time. Maybe he has friendship goals or finance goals. Whatever they are, knowing he has your support can give him the extra push he needs to keep at them. You’d want the same thing from a friend too, right?
3. Show him you respect him.
Especially in public! I nearly died at a recent school function when a casual acquaintance said, “He’s terrible at lawn care! He doesn’t even notice when the grass gets too long.” Her husband was standing right next to her. She laughed and he pinched his lips shut, but I felt bad for him.
Friends don’t put each other down. To be a friend to your husband, watch what you say when you’re out, when you’re in front of the kids, and even when you’re alone. Your husband needs your respect. It’s part of his self-worth as a husband and father. Even if you disagree, it’s important to at least validate his point of view. We would expect the same thing from any of our friends too. And if showing your respect becomes your default, maybe it will be for him too.
4. Let go of the little things.
Years ago, there used to be this popular saying: “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” I find myself thinking about that more in marriage than I ever did when I was little. With my husband, I apply it to the minor things that happen—a dirty dinner plate left on the table. The misunderstanding about who ordered which burrito from Chipotle. I might inwardly groan or whisper a “Lord, please help me.” But I’m gonna try really hard not to sweat it.
Letting go of your husband’s recent mistake is a gift to him. Not holding a grudge about that thing he did last week is a gift for your marriage. If we hold onto all the little miscommunications and perceived slights, we’re creating a laundry list of grievances to carry around on our backs. Lighten the load and let these things go.
Letting go of your husband’s recent mistake is a gift to him. Click To Tweet5. Build intimacy.
I don’t want to bother him at work, so I’ll call my mom. But if we want to be better friends with our husbands, we have to give them a chance to be our support system. Though physical intimacy is important for your marriage, so is emotional intimacy.
How to become friends with your spouse again or build on the friendship you already have requires an open communication style. Share your worries and fears. Express your dreams and desires. Certified Gottman Therapist Zach Brittle advises couples to ask questions of each other: How was your day? Is something bothering you? Doing so “leads to deeper understanding of your partner’s inner world” and can be a powerful way to build a stronger friendship.
Are you seeking a stronger friendship with your husband? Or, are you looking for answers on how to become friends with your spouse again?
