“I’m sorry, what?” My voice came out an octave higher than usual. “Boring,” my teenage daughter said. But we always watch the Christmas specials on TV together. Rudolph! Frosty! I sighed, then scanned the concert flyer that arrived in the mail, trying to find a compromise. Mannheim Steamroller would be in town. Yes! “Want to go see…” But when I looked up, she’d left the room.
A decade ago, my daughter looked adorbs in a frilly dress, full of smiles for her first time seeing The Nutcracker. But now, I can’t even get her to watch Elf. It can feel a little sad when our teens reject our holiday traditions. But it’ll be OK. They’re growing up! We can still make the holidays with teenagers great. To survive and thrive this Christmas, here are 5 ways to make merry if you have teens.
1. Treat them like the big kids they are.
“Does this still fit?” I asked my son. He’d worn his infamous red knit sweater at least three Christmases in a row. But I knew the answer to my own question. He’d had a growth spurt, and those long arms would never fit. It made me question the whole need to coordinate outfits—or even pick out my son’s clothes.
Holidays with teenagers force us to reexamine our parenting. What worked last year might not work for our kids this year. They’re bigger now and have their own opinions and style that we can’t (and shouldn’t) easily overturn. Part of growing up is separating from us. Traditions like Elf on the Shelf or going to see the Christmas lights at the zoo may be fun for us but embarrassing for them. So, don’t push it. Try to respect their growing autonomy and decision-making skills. It’s good for their confidence and self-worth.
Holidays with teenagers force us to reexamine our parenting. What worked last year might not work for our kids this year. Click To Tweet2. Keep communicating.
“We’re going to spend the afternoon with Dad’s family,” I told my teenage kids. “Be polite. Be a good sport if we play some games. And when we get home, you guys can see your friends if you want.” They nodded. Deal.
With teens, we still need to review social expectations whether it’s “no tech at Grandma’s” or “Make sure you give one compliment about the food.” They’re still learning what’s acceptable. So, to make the holidays with teenagers less stressful, give your kids advance notice of social plans when possible, along with what we’ll appreciate when we’re out (like good manners)—and what we won’t (such as bickering).
3. Let go of holiday perfection.
“I’m not into decorating this year, Mom. You can do it,” my teen told me. Really? Since his toddler days, my son has helped decorate the tree. But this year, I told myself I shouldn’t get sucked into an argument, so I let it go (sadly, I admit). I didn’t need the perfect tree-decorating photo. It would be a great Christmas if we all just got along, went to church, and relaxed as a family. Those were the memories I wanted most.
Spending the holidays with teenagers probably won’t be perfect. But determine what’s most important and make those a requirement (like church on Christmas day or dinner with grandparents). Then shoot for compromises with the less-important things.
4. Be flexible with your teen’s need to socialize with friends.
Imagine your teen daughter breezing through the living room as you hang the last Christmas stocking on the mantel. “Mom? We’re all gonna meet up at Bella’s house for a bit. That OK?” You think you’ve heard her wrong. Why? Because it’s Christmas Eve. But you haven’t. Your teenager has plans. And maybe that’s OK.
If certain days or nights are a hard no, make those clear. But try to be flexible with the rest of the holiday break. Psychology professor Joseph Allen says teens who build good friendships now form skills that’ll help them with relationships as young adults. Also, having solid friendships can help ward off mental health issues like depression. So, invest in your child’s well-being by giving her time to socialize over the holidays—even if it means you’ll miss having her around to bake cookies.
5. Give teens more responsibilities and more say.
“One hour until our guests arrive,” I said, beginning to panic. “And I have no dinner rolls.” My son looked up. “Do you want me to go to the store?” I hesitated. He’d only had his license for a few weeks. “Ummmm,” I said, stalling. “Sure. Thanks.” He jumped up, holding his hand out for the keys.
The holidays can be stressful. And teens can be moody. Put the two together and it can become a disaster. But we don’t have to let it. One way to ease the stress may be to give our teens more responsibilities. If they feel like they’re contributing and that their opinions count, they may surprise us with a good attitude.
What do you enjoy most about the holidays with teenagers?
