Have you ever had one of your kids ask, “Who’s your favorite?“ and felt that instant wave of panic and denied the claim? I have. Well, it turns out our kids’ suspicions might not be so far off. According to a recent meta-analysis of multiple studies, most parents might actually have a favorite child. Now, before you say, “I love all my children equally,” the research clarified that parental favoritism doesn’t necessarily mean “loving one more.”
Instead, the research from Brigham Young University offers a more nuanced view of parents and favoritism, referring to personality compatibility, shared interests, and even life stage. So, then, do parents have favorites? The data collected from over 19,000 individuals suggests it’s a natural part of parenting, but understanding why it happens can make us better, more intentional moms.
Why Parental Favoritism Happens (And Why It’s Normal)
Guilt kicks in whenever one of my daughters hints that I have a favorite. Suddenly, I’m mentally replaying conversations, shopping trips, and even tallying how much time I’ve spent with each child. Did I accidentally give off “You’re my favorite” vibes? To lighten the moment, I usually deflect the dreaded “Do parents have favorites?” question with a joke. I’ll insist that Luna, our family dog, is, in fact, my favorite child. And yes, if my daughters are reading this, she absolutely is.
The research shows that most parents naturally connect more easily with one child over another. This can be witnessed as subtle differences in treatment rather than apparent preference. And this doesn’t mean we love one child any more or any less, either. So why does this happen? According to the data, several factors influence these preferences:
- Personality plays a huge role. Children who are conscientious (responsible, organized) and agreeable (cooperative, considerate) often receive more favorable treatment from parents. This makes logical sense. Those traits can make your daily routines and family life run smoother.
- Birth order matters. While there’s a slight tendency to favor younger siblings, especially during the early years, the most substantial finding was about autonomy. Parents consistently give older siblings more independence and freedom. This represents a form of favoritism in parenting approach—not showing more love, but granting different privileges. Even when developmentally appropriate, this differential treatment was one of the strongest patterns identified in the research.
- Daughters may get slight favoritism, but kids don’t notice. The analysis also found that parents (particularly in self-reports) tend to show a slight preference for daughters over sons. However, interestingly, the sons and daughters themselves didn’t perceive any differences based on gender. So, our perceptions about parental favoritism may not match how our children experience it.
How to Apply the Research to Your Own Parenting
Being aware of these natural tendencies can improve your parenting. The lead author, Alex Jensen, explains, “Keep an eye out for things that seem unfair. Your children will let you know if they think something is unfair. Pay attention to them when they make that known. Either they are missing perspective and understanding, or you need to make some changes in your parenting.”
1. Notice your patterns. Do you tend to be more patient with one? More controlling with another? Is one child easier to talk to or harder to find common ground with? Do shared interests (or lack thereof) influence your interactions? What about personalities? Simply being aware is the first step to making adjustments. (And, Mom, you might find your answers change as your kids grow!)
2. Take fairness concerns seriously. The research found that even when different treatment seems developmentally appropriate (like giving an older child more freedom), they can still affect children’s well-being. So, when your child says, “That’s not fair!” resist the urge to dismiss it. Instead:
- Acknowledge the feeling: “I hear you. It feels unfair to you.”
- Seek understanding: “Can you help me understand what seems unfair?”
- Explain when appropriate: “You’re right that your sister has a later bedtime. Let’s talk about what would help you earn the same privilege.”
- Be honest about differences: “You and your brother have different needs right now, and that’s OK.”
3. Balance individual needs with fairness. The study found that parents sometimes focus so much on equal treatment that they overlook individual needs. Instead of striving for identical treatment, recognize each child’s unique personality and adjust accordingly. Understanding your child’s love language can help. For example, my oldest daughter loves gifts, so even grabbing her favorite snack at the store goes a long way. But my youngest daughter couldn’t care less. She gets filled up with words of affirmation.
The Bottom Line: Do parents have favorites?
Of course, you love your kids equally! That’s not in question. What matters is recognizing that each parent-child relationship looks (and feels) different. (Even if you’re a mom to identical twins!) As Dr. Jensen emphasizes, “Sometimes parents get so concerned about treating their kids the same that they may overlook individual needs. We’re not suggesting parents feel guilty; instead, parents can look at this research and use it as encouragement to look at places where they can improve.”
What do you think? Do parents have favorites?
