The year Clay and I got married, so did many of our friends. Within a few years, though, half of them split up. Now, decades later, the rest are still together. But it hasn’t been a walk in the park for any couple–more like a slog through seasons of job loss, infertility, cancer, or addiction. Yet somehow, we’re all still here, for better or for worse.
Every married couple starts out so hopeful and confident at the altar. But why do some couples keep choosing “I do,” while others end in “I don’t?” Researchers have been studying that question, and the marriage tips emerging from their work are surprisingly simple. Here are 5 healthy relationship characteristics that lead to a happy marriage (and ideas to nurture them in yours).
1. You focus on the good more than the bad.
While there’s no magic wand to wave for a happy marriage, researcher Dr. John Gottman has found what he calls a “magic ratio.” During everyday interactions, happy couples have a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative moments. That means 20 compliments, laughs, quick kisses, or “thank yous” for every eye roll or irritated comment. These couples make a habit of looking for opportunities to build each other up. And although that ratio dips to 5:1 during a fight, the good still far outweighs the bad.
Want to test this out? For the next week, pay attention to the little ways you and your husband treat each other in everyday routines. If you catch yourself being critical, flip the script with something positive. Thank him for putting gas in your car, touch his arm as you pass by, or simply smile when he walks into the room. Small shifts like these can tip the balance toward joy in your relationship.
2. You support each other’s growth.
That extroverted, social-chair-of-his-fraternity guy I married years ago now prefers quiet mornings upstream, with his fly rod in hand. Clay definitely isn’t the same person I married, and neither is your husband (or you!). In a marriage, you’re both constantly changing, and one of those healthy relationship characteristics is that you make space for that growth in each other.
Research shows that couples who support each other’s goals and evolving interests report significantly higher satisfaction over time. Think of it like this: You’re not just loving your husband for who he is today, but championing the man he’s becoming tomorrow.
Want to test this out? Go on a “dream date.” Talk about what you’d each love to pursue or a skill you want to develop. These questions can help. Then brainstorm one tangible way to support each other. Maybe you take over yard chores this month so he can take that BBQ Pit Master Class, and he handles bedtime so you can take the photography course you’ve been eyeing.
3. You turn disagreements into solutions.
Every couple fights. So “argument-free” isn’t on the list of healthy relationship traits. (Whew!) But the difference in a happy marriage is how. Marriage researchers have found that those couples tend to avoid attacking their spouse’s character with phrases like “you always” or “you never.” Instead, they focus on specific behaviors and work together on conflict resolution.
Want to test this out? When you’re headed toward a heated moment, pause and ask yourself, “What specific problem are we trying to solve here?” Then shift from blaming to problem-solving by framing your concern as a request. Instead of “You never help with carpooling,” try “I’m feeling overwhelmed with driving the kids to practice twice a week. Can we figure out a system that works better?”
4. You have your own interests too.
The happiest marriages strike a healthy balance between closeness and independence. When you each have the freedom to pursue something that fills you up, you come back to the relationship more energized and less resentful. In fact, a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shows that couples who feel free to “be themselves” within marriage are better at handling disagreements and report higher overall satisfaction.
Want to test this out? Pick one activity or interest that’s just yours and protect that time without guilt. Maybe it’s your monthly coffee date with friends, your Thursday night yoga class, or your Bible study group on Sunday nights. Encourage your husband to do the same, then share those stories with each other. Supporting each other’s space actually brings you closer.
5. You put your spouse first in little ways.
When we were dating, Clay rented out an entire movie theatre for a screening of Only You. But, now decades later, it’s that fresh cup of coffee he brews for me each morning that brings me even greater joy. That aligns with the findings of UCLA researchers. After following couples for 11 years, they uncovered that grand romantic gestures don’t predict marital happiness, but tiny, thoughtful actions do.
Want to test this out? Hand over the playlist on your next road trip, even if it means three hours of classic rock. Surprise him by queuing up the movie he’s been hinting at for weeks, or whip up his favorite football snack for the game.
What marriage advice has made the most significant difference in your relationship?
