If you have an anxious child, you know that parenting is that much harder. It can even make you an anxious parent. With endless parenting tips from social media influencers and bestselling authors, it’s not always easy to discern what’s best. And the truth is, many of us have probably dabbled in various methods of raising our kids. But in an article published in the International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, researchers have found a correlation between certain parenting styles and children’s anxiety. If you’ve adopted aspects of one of these 4 parenting styles, you can help with childhood anxiety by making a few changes.
1. Helicopter Parenting
When they’re little, our kids need us to keep an eye on them for their own safety. But as they get older, they naturally need less of our vigilance. If you’ve continued to hover, even as your child has grown into double digits, you may have adopted a helicopter style of parenting. Helicopter parents are overprotective and controlling. Kids have little room to play, do homework, practice an instrument or interact with friends without a parent nearby. And when they aren’t given enough room to do things by themselves, children aren’t able to develop confidence in themselves or their abilities. A helicopter parent inadvertently sends the message that she doesn’t believe her child is capable of something without her help. Because of this, helicopter parenting can lead to increased anxiety in kids, says research published in Frontiers in Psychology.
The good news: If you do hover too much, you can make changes starting today. Let your child do things by himself: homework, piano practice, walking the dog, or biking to a friend’s house. If you’re an anxious parent, this may be hard for you! But start slowly, and stick with it. As your child’s self-esteem increases, his anxiety should decrease. And this will have a huge, positive impact on his mental health going forward.
2. Intensive Parenting
While helicopter parenting is defined as overprotecting and controlling, intensive parenting is “a tendency to invest parents’ time, money, and energy in their child,” according to this study, by Sonoko Egami. If you’re an intensive parent, you are likely to turn a walk into a nature lesson. You also sign your kids up for various teams and lessons. As an intensive parent, you might also have a stack of parenting books on your nightstand. Intensive parenting is a style where you’re constantly monitoring and teaching your child, says journalist Claire Cain Miller. Unfortunately, she reports, “[C]hildren with hyper-involved parents have more anxiety and less satisfaction with life.” These children have “high levels of stress and dependence on their parents.”
The good news: Being aware of this parenting style and its impact on your kids can help you going forward. Egami says parents need to strike a “balance between high parental aspirations and realistic expectations,” though it might not be easy in a society that tends to encourage intensive parenting. But to help with childhood anxiety, you can start with “a more compassionate and feasible approach to parenting.” In other words, give your family more downtime and look for opportunities where your kids can do things on their own to develop self-reliance and grit.
3. Authoritarian Parenting
With authoritarian parenting, there are strict rules kids must obey—or else. Parents are harsh, stern, and offer little warmth and lots of control. According to MedicineNet, this style of parenting “can lead to moderately-high levels of anxiety, depression, and withdrawal” in children. As they grow, kids who have been brought up by authoritarian parents “tend to be worried about things that a normal child shouldn’t be worried about.” When we see our kids misbehave, we may default to aspects of this parenting style. And some of us aren’t naturally huggers or cuddlers, especially when our kids get older.
The good news: You can help with childhood anxiety by making some easy changes. If you have older kids, it’s possible you’ve fallen out of the routine of hugging or giving them kisses. But kids of all ages still need to feel your love. Touch his back or shoulder whenever you walk by. Or lean in for a hug whenever he leaves the car or house. If you know you have a temper, take a deep breath or step out of the room before disciplining your child. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I need a few moments to calm down before we talk about this.” Also, try tuning into your child or teenager’s emotions: “It looks like something’s bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?”
4. Elephant Parenting
An elephant mom is nurturing, compassionate, and flexible in her parenting. They tend to have good relationships with their kids too. Elephant parenting can “lead to improved social skills, as children learn to navigate relationships with sensitivity and care,” says journalist Sarene Kloren. But it’s possible to take this parenting style too far and dip into overindulgence. “In their quest to be nurturing and supportive, parents might inadvertently shield their children from necessary challenges and failures,” Kloren says. If children are overly protected, they don’t develop the confidence they need to handle setbacks. And with that, might come anxiety.
The good news: Elephant parenting, which is a softer version of authoritative parenting, has a lot of great attributes. Just be sure to give your kids opportunities to do things for themselves. Remember that kids need the room to mess up and learn from their mistakes.
Where to Go From Here
No parent is perfect. And all of us have tried different parenting styles at times whether intentionally or unintentionally. If you’ve made mistakes (and all of us have), forgive yourself. Research has found that anxiety can increase in children when we protect and control too much. So, to help with childhood anxiety going forward, encourage more autonomy so he can build confidence in his abilities.
It won’t happen overnight, especially if you’re an anxious parent. But slowly, over time, you can chip away at your parental controls. Eventually, with more control over his own life, you should start to see less anxiety in your child.
Are you an anxious parent? What have you done to help with childhood anxiety in your family?
