I found out I was pregnant with my second son the day after my first son turned 1. There was still birthday cake in the fridge, and I had a bun in the oven. Lame joke aside, I remember staring at my barely-a-toddler and wondering how he’d handle a new baby. He was just a baby himself. Fast forward nine months. He met his day-old brother in the hospital room, gave him a boop! on the nose, and asked, “He stay here?” This was gonna be fun.
Helping older siblings cope with a new baby is hard when you’re a sleep-deprived mom of an infant, but there are some things you can do to make the adjustment smoother. Here are 3 that are easy and will make life more peaceful.
1. Anticipate regression and go with it.
When my friend Kristi’s toddler emerged from the kitchen with a baby bottle in his mouth, I smiled at his cuteness. Kristi didn’t. She whispered to me, “He hasn’t drunk from a bottle in months. Now he’s obsessed.”
According to Dr. William Sears, author of The Baby Book, it’s normal for a child to want to revisit baby behaviors. He thinks, “Babies get attention, and I want attention!” If your child has graduated from bottles or pacifiers and regresses, address what you think he’s trying to communicate. “Do you want to be a baby again, or do you just miss our morning snuggles?” Let him try whatever he’s attempting to do, but then remind him of the things he gets to do as a big kid like riding his tricycle, eating yummy fruit, and playing with big kid toys. Usually, the regressive behavior will be short-lived.
2. Repeat after me: Gently!
I don’t know a mom whose toddler hasn’t gotten a little too rough with a baby brother or sister. My secondborn definitely took a Duplo block to the head a few times. When those things happen, moms are quick to grab kids’ hands and say, “No, no. Be gennntle with the baaaaby.” If your infant’s safety is at risk, your response to your toddler should be immediate and firm.
Then there are the times when an older sibling acts aggressively because of the baby, but not toward the baby (i.e., dumping all of the baby’s diapers on the floor or pulling every wipe out of the container). In those instances, aim for a gentler response. The kiddo sitting in a pile of diapers and wipes is more likely to let go of feelings of jealousy toward the baby if you react with “Woah! Look at this mountain you made. We’ve got some cleanup to do!” instead of “No! Why would you do that?” Ask yourself how you can react in a way that’ll pull your child in instead of pushing him away, because your love and attention is usually what he’s after.
Ask yourself how you can react in a way that'll pull your child in instead of pushing him away, because your love and attention is usually what he’s after. Click To Tweet3. Occasionally “ask” the baby to wait.
I watched a mom do this at the grocery store and thought it was genius. Her older daughter was telling her why she loved the Disney princess on the juice boxes she was holding, and the baby started to wiggle. His tiny blue sock had fallen off. Instead of stopping the little girl’s story, she looked at the baby and said in the sweetest voice, “Your sister is teaching me about her favorite princess. I’ll help you in juuust a second.” She looked back at her daughter and nodded for her to continue.
Obviously the message wasn’t for the infant’s ears. Mom was showing her daughter she’s important and teaching her that taking turns and showing patience applies to everyone, even the baby. Whenever you can, make room for your older child and give her attention first. She’ll overflow with love from you and pass it on to her new baby brother or sister.
What has worked for you when helping older siblings cope with a new baby?
