My son disappeared into the living room after school with his backpack and books. He hadn’t even stopped for a snack. I could hear him setting up his laptop as I refilled the dog’s bowls. But then, curiosity overcame me, and I headed in to see him. Before I could utter a full greeting, he gave me the death stare and said, “Mom, leave me alooooone.”
The rudeness itself stopped me in my tracks. And I admitted to myself that a child’s rejection of a parent is one of the worst feelings. But then I had to decide: What’s the best way to respond? I’ve determined there are 5 good ways to respond to “Mom, leave me alone.” Depending on your child and the situation, one could be right for you.
1. Do it. Leave him alone. Give him space. Go.
“Mom, no kisses,” my son said, pushing me away. Ouch. Along with kisses, my teen doesn’t want nicknames or coddling. Instead, he’s looking for more space and doesn’t want me to treat him like a little kid. And that’s normal.
Certified Professional Life Coach Sherri Gordon writes, “During adolescence, teens are trying to figure out who they are apart from you. As a result, in an effort to pull away and separate from you, they can be downright mean in the process.” Even though a child’s rejection of a parent might feel personal, it’s probably not. But his desire for more privacy and space is real, and it’s our job to make the shift from mom of a little kid to mom of a teen.
Even though a child’s rejection of a parent might feel personal, it’s probably not. Click To Tweet2. Give her five seconds—long enough for a deep breath.
Sometimes the rudeness takes precedence. After a breather, you can ask your teen for a more polite response. Just because she’s going through hormonal changes and searching for her own identity doesn’t mean she can treat you with disrespect. Stay calm and tell her that there are consequences for speaking to you that way. If she’s able to regroup and try again with a softer tone, maybe then, you can give her the space she wants.
A child’s rejection of a parent is usually a phase as she struggles with separating from you. Hang in there! Your role in your child’s life is still more important to her than any other. Even if everything you do seems to annoy her, eventually, your teen “will learn to appreciate the little quirks you have without viewing them as irritants,” says Gordon.
3. Give him five minutes.
If I’m feeling suspicious about why my son tells me to leave him alone, I might depart for five minutes to check his online history. If I find a slew of YouTube or TikTok videos instead of his schoolwork, I might head back in the room and tell him he needs to refocus on his work.
Give yourself five minutes before doing anything so you have time to consider your reaction. Then, if he’s been doing something he shouldn’t, you can return with a level head to redirect him. Your child needs to abide by the house rules, and if they include no video games until homework’s done, he needs to follow them. But maintaining your relationship is important too, and you don’t want to ruin it by flying off the handle.
4. Give her an hour.
I found my teen daughter in her room after school listening to music and reading a book. When I asked if she had homework, she gave me a glare. “Mom, please leave me alone.” At least she said please. I went away. Parenting a teen is different from an elementary kid. When she was little, she did homework at the kitchen table after school and often, I oversaw it. But now that she’s a teen, I’m trying to give her a little more freedom.
As parenting expert Denise Witmer says, “Allowing [teens] appropriate levels of privacy shows them that you trust their judgment, intentions, decision-making, and ability to follow your rules.” Circling back an hour later to check on your teen isn’t a bad idea. You’re still giving her space, but also reminding her of her responsibilities. For a young teen like my 13-year-old, this is completely reasonable.
5. Give him a mom talk.
If your son tells you to leave him alone and seems overly harsh, you might want to dig deeper. “Anything happen at school you want to talk about?” I asked my son later that evening. Gordon advises that “it is important to distinguish between normal teen frustration and more serious issues like bullying, peer pressure or being excluded from a social event.” Sometimes kids are just frustrated. But it might be worth a conversation to rule out other causes.
A child’s rejection of a parent can sting. If it has happened to you, how have you coped?
