Am I doing this right? I remember asking myself this the first time I attempted to swaddle my newborn. I asked it again when I strapped her in the car seat, the stroller, the swing. Ouch. Am I doing this right? I grimaced while breastfeeding. Later, I questioned bedtime routines, childcare decisions, and even whether I held her enough. And then baby number two came along, and the questioning doubled: Why is this not working like it did with her sister? Am I doing this right?
Moms keep doubt-triggered questions simmering in our minds. Searches for “how can I be a good mom” and “why do I feel like a bad mom” remain consistently high, whether you’re new to this gig or have been at it for decades. Here are 4 ways you can stop asking how to be a better mom and do more of what the research says makes you one.
1. “See” your child; don’t just watch him.
“Hey, Mom! Watch this!” Whether it’s a leap off the swing by your 8-year-old or your teen showing you a TikTok, we’re always watching our kids. But there’s a difference between watching and truly seeing them. Seeing means noticing when your child takes a few minutes to warm up at parties and giving him space. It’s catching your teen’s tone change when a specific topic comes up, and it’s recognizing your toddler’s hangry cues and slipping him a snack pre-meltdown.
Studies consistently show that tuning into your child’s needs and emotions in real-time builds a secure attachment. And that’s the foundation for healthy relationships, self-esteem, and resilience. While most research focuses on babies, the principles matter at every age. When you shift from watching to truly seeing, you meet your child’s heart as well as his eyes. And that heart-level connection sets up everything about how to be a better mom.
Simple Ways to “See” Better:
- Put your phone away during conversations or play.
- Reflect feelings: “You seem frustrated about that math test.”
- Ask follow-up questions instead of jumping to advice: “Can you tell me more about that?”
2. Lead with warmth and clear boundaries.
“I love you and I hear you, but the answer is still no.” For nearly two years, our youngest daughter consistently asked for a sleepover with her best friend. I really wanted to say yes, but her bestie just happened to be a boy. We love that kid, but sleepovers were a solid no. That’s where warmth and boundaries meet—saying no with love, and meaning it.
Kids need to know they’re deeply cared for and that boundaries don’t bend every time they push. (And they will push like it’s their job.) When you hold love and limits together, you model a steady kind of love not swayed by pressure. Psychologists refer to this as the authoritative parenting style. Decades of research show it helps raise kids who are more confident, responsible, and emotionally healthy than those raised with either harsh discipline or anything-goes permissiveness.
Simple Ways to Balance Warmth With Boundaries:
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings before enforcing consequences. “I know you’re disappointed, but we still need to leave the party.”
- Stay consistent. If respect matters, expect it from your 8-year-old and your 18-year-old.
- Explain your “why” more as your child grows, but don’t negotiate every rule.
3. Prioritize predictable presence.
One of my hidden mom skills is that I can recite Goodnight Moon and You Can Do It, Sam from memory (with voices and sound effects). I read those books to my kids hundreds of times during their toddler years as a way to connect after a long day at work. You won’t see that moment on my social media posts, but it’s a core memory for my kids. You probably have your own version of those routine, warm-fuzzy little moments.
When you show up consistently, your child learns they can trust you and feel safe exploring the world. Attachment researchers call this a “secure base.” And you develop it in the everyday rhythm of showing up. It’s sitting on the bleachers at a home game, staying awake to talk to your teen at 10:30 p.m., or running down the hall half-asleep when a nightmare shakes your child awake.
Simple Ways to Show Predictable Presence:
- Establish a bedtime routine that includes a little goodnight chat or prayer. This can grow as your
child grows. - Keep devices away in the car so you can talk or listen to music together.
- Create small family rituals such as Saturday pancakes, Friday night movie nights, or after-school chat time.
4. Be kind to yourself.
There are enough bullies out there, Mom. Don’t save a seat for one in your head. Give yourself some grace and a double dose of compassion. How to be a better mom often begins with how you treat yourself.
Self-compassion actually makes us better parents. Studies consistently find that parents who practice self-compassion experience less depression, anxiety, and parenting stress. When you stop wasting energy on asking, “Am I doing this right?” and start asking, “How can I be kind to myself right now?” you bring more patience, presence, and emotional bandwidth to your parenting.
Simple Ways to Practice Self-Compassion:
- Stop the self-attack in its tracks by naming it: “I’m being mean to myself. This situation is hard right now, but I can choose to be kind to myself.”
- Practice HALT. It’s a quick check-in to see if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
- Write down one thing that you did well each day (no matter how small).
The better mom you’re searching for isn’t a perfect version of yourself. Nope. She’s the woman who shows up consistently, with love, presence, and self-compassion, day after day. So maybe instead of asking, “Am I doing this right?” we should all ask, “How am I showing up today?”’
When you think about “how to be a better mom,” do you focus more on what you’re doing wrong or what you’re already doing right?
