“Do you know how special you are?” One of my sons answers that question with a smile in his eyes and a proud “yep!” The other shrugs, says “not really,” and waits for me to start listing all the reasons. As I rattle them off, I wonder how to build self-worth in him so he can come up with this list on his own.
Self-worth can’t come from external sources, and it’s different from self-esteem. But just because it has to come from a child’s inner voice doesn’t make it entirely out of a mom’s control. Just like we prepare healthy meals so our kids can be nourished physically, there are things we can do to nourish their belief that they are worthy of love and respect. Here are 4.
First, what’s self-worth, and why does it matter?
As a kid of the 1980s, there was a lot of talk about self-esteem. I remember it being the measure of good mental health for a kid. Now, some experts, like Dr. Christina Hibbert, say self-esteem is a myth. Hibbert explains that self-esteem is based on your perceptions and emotions about your behavior or performance. Because behavior and performance are bound to change, pursuing self-esteem is like building a sandcastle on a windy day.
Self-worth, on the other hand, comes from knowing and believing in your worth as a person. Your personhood doesn’t change based on your outfit, the grade on your report card, or if anyone asked you to play on the monkey bars. I believe it’s knowing God created you and that you are worthy of love because of that alone. That’s a deep concept, but if anyone can plant seeds down deep, it’s a mom, so try these 4 things.
1. Show unconditional positive regard.
What’s that? It’s complete love and acceptance. It’s showing your kids nothing they can do can make them less loveable. Showing unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean you accept bad behavior, but you don’t withdraw or limit your love when they do something you disapprove of.
If you find yourself showing love when your kids perform well and being cold when they fail or disappoint you, you might be showing conditional positive regard and sending the message that they are loved when they do “right” instead of simply because they “are.”
2. Let them pick how you spend time together.
For my birthday, my son made a card that served as a coupon to take him to Arby’s. I’ve never expressed an interest in Arby’s—although I hear their fries are amazing—and I get to pay. Happy birthday, Mom! While it’s not the facial I was hoping my kids would pool their money to get me, I’m all for this gift because it will help nourish my son’s self-worth.
When kids pick how you spend time together and see you enjoying it, they feel capable. They gain confidence in their opinions, choices, and personalities.
When kids pick how you spend time together and see you enjoying it, they feel capable. They gain confidence in their opinions, choices, and personalities. Click To Tweet3. Give them chances to succeed.
When kids accomplish something difficult, their identity as “winners” grows deeper. How to build self-worth is more than scoring the winning goal. It comes by giving kids opportunities to master skills like tying their shoes, using a screwdriver, or cracking eggs. Kids with self-worth believe in their potential to grow, learn, change, and improve.
When we step aside, let them struggle, and then celebrate that they’ve improved or accomplished something tricky, they care less about little wins and losses. Those things don’t hold as much weight because deep down, they know they can do hard things.
4. Delight in your kids (and make sure they notice).
Here’s a challenge for you. Drop everything and watch your children. Smile while you’re doing it. They’ll catch you looking (and maybe give you a “you’re weird” look), but the nonverbal message you’ve sent is that your presence makes me happy.
Imagine your child’s inner voice saying, “My mom enjoys being around me. Something about me makes her smile.” The self-worth that will grow from that simple message is powerful.
What else do you do to nourish your child’s sense of self-worth?
