A friend and her husband recently took their 10-year-old grandson to his jiu-jitsu tournament. He lost the first round of grappling and stomped off the mat, went to the corner of the gym, put his clothes over his head, and began angry crying. She tried to talk to him and tell him he competed well. In his next round, he lost again. Not only did his face contort with tears, but he didn’t turn and shake the opponent’s hand. She said she and her husband were “aghast.”
When your child is a sore loser, it can add conflict to fun moments like family game night or everyday moments like racing to see who gets to the car first. There’s no magic cure, but here are a few things you can try to help your sore loser be more gracious.
Remember your child is learning.
To say someone who’s a sore loser just has a bad attitude is oversimplifying the situation. Your young competitor is a child, and children are still learning to regulate their emotions. On a trip to Universal Studios, I lost to my husband on the Men in Black ride that lets you shoot aliens with laser guns. I didn’t take the loss well, and I’m 42. Adults often expect kids to behave in ways we ourselves struggle to behave, and it causes us to react unfairly.
When a child loses, even if it’s just a round of tic-tac-toe with her sister, she could be feeling frustrated, annoyed, confused, embarrassed, or all of those things combined. To expect a child to properly process those emotions and respond in a way we deem appropriate is setting your child up for failure. Modeling good sportsmanship (unlike what I did after Men in Black) is a great way to teach our kids how to lose well.
Avoid giving a speech.
If your child is angry after a loss, some things you say might make your child feel worse: “Brush it off!” “It was an honor just to be nominated.” “There’s no reason to be upset because you played well.” Lecturing him or rattling off clichés doesn’t rid him of feelings of anger or disappointment. It only tells him he’s wrong for feeling that way.
Consider letting your child win now and then.
It goes against conventional wisdom, but occasionally letting your child win will help him feel the delight of winning and boost his self-esteem. One mom blogger argues, “Only a child who thinks he’s a winner is able to lose well.” In other words, a child who doesn’t feel like losing is part of his identity can handle losses better.
There are smart ways to go about this strategy though. It works best if you’re playing a game one-on-one. Ask your child if he wants you to let him win or wants to change up the rules so it’s easier for him to win. Then, when he scores the winning basket because you had to play blindfolded, cheer, give high-fives, and help him feel like a champ.
Letting your child win is a controversial take, so we had to talk about it on the iMOM Podcast. Listen to the episode “Ouch! My Kid’s a Sore Loser” here and subscribe to get new episodes every Monday.
Rename it in your head.
Maybe your “sore loser” is just an “emotional loser.” It’s our job as moms to help our kids discover healthy, acceptable ways to express their emotions. My friend could equip her jiu-jitsu grappler by telling him to pause, close his eyes, and take a deep breath. Then, instead of ignoring the loss, she could give space for him to talk through the disappointment later and maybe even get out some physical aggression by taking a lap around the building.
Consider your reactions to wins and losses
A friend’s son’s team made it to the championship game in Little League baseball. They’d celebrated with milkshakes after winning each game leading up to the championship, and my friend snapped photos and bragged on Facebook about how proud she was. When they lost the final game, her son pouted in the car on the way home. She had the good sense to pull into the same ice cream shop for milkshakes. She told him she was just as proud of him as the times he’d won.
If your kids think they only make you proud when they achieve, don’t expect them to handle it well when they fail.
If your kids think they only make you proud when they achieve, don’t expect them to handle it well when they fail. Click To TweetAre you good at losing with grace? How about your kids?
