“Just do it the way I’m showing you!”
“No! I don’t want to!”
“But I promise. You’ll like it.”
“I don’t caaaare. I want to do it my way.”
That exact argument has echoed from my sons’ room more times than I can count because my older son is the self-appointed boss/keeper/manager of his little brother. I grew up as a little sister, so I often look at my younger son and say, “I get it, dude. I’ve been there. It stinks to be bossed around.”
If you’re trying to understand how to deal with a controlling sibling, I’ve got experience. Telling bossy kids to stop just doesn’t cut it. To help a controlling sibling, you’ve got to go deeper. Things won’t change overnight, but here are 3 things to say that can nudge a bossy kid toward more cooperation and one thing to say to the kid who’s getting bossed around.
1. “Being flexible is hard. I get it.”
While we might not agree with Dr. Becky Kennedy or all psychologists, what she says about bossy kids is helpful: If we want our kids to become the best versions of themselves, we have to see the best in them. Bossy kids, she explains, have a strong sense of self and can be assertive. That’s awesome, right? But all that awesomeness can translate to inflexibility.
So instead of, “Stop being bossy. No one will want to be your friend,” validate your child’s feelings and encourage the strengths you know she has. “I know you wanted to play Uno not Jenga, and you’re frustrated. Being flexible is hard, but you’re a kid who is good at working through hard things.” If your child is too young to understand what it means to be flexible, try using an example to illustrate it.
2. “That’s taking his learning.”
We were hanging Christmas ornaments, and my older son, Liam, corrected my younger son saying, “You’re putting it in the wrong spot!” I snapped and said, “Let him do it!” He replied, “But that branch isn’t big enough. His ornament will drop and break.” I asked him how he knew that and he said, “Because that’s how mine broke last year.” I used a line I heard from Dr. Becky on her podcast: telling him what to do is “taking your brother’s learning.”
If you’re working on how to deal with a controlling sibling, remind him that it’s by making choices and seeing how those choices pan out that we learn. When kids over-help their siblings, it gets in the way of the siblings’ growth.
3. “What might happen if you didn’t?”
My bossy kid and I have had several side conversations about his compulsion to tell his brother what to do. One day after a sibling fight over how to eat chicken fingers—Yep. You read that right.—I asked, “What might happen if you didn’t tell him what to do?” I got an “I dunno” and a shrug. But then he said, “I guess he’d just do it his way. The weird way.” I said, “And most likely, it wouldn’t affect you at all. Best case, you learn a neat way to eat chicken fingers.”
Help your inflexible kid consider what could happen if he let his siblings call the shots. As a person who enjoys taking control, I have to remember that other people have ideas worth trying, and there’s usually not just one way to get the job done. Our kids need that reminder, too.
To the Sibling Who’s Being Bossed Around: “Tell me your idea.”
Time to do an about-face on the question of how to deal with a controlling sibling. In this video, Dr. Becky explains how sibling dynamics have a way of becoming more rigid over time. The bossy kid always picks the dress-up theme, and the other always says OK. One always says, “I’m going first,” and the other steps aside. What’s happening is the flexible child is taking all the flexibility and removing her sibling’s opportunity to learn how to compromise.
Dr. Becky says we need to help the more flexible child learn how to be more inflexible so that the bossy child learns how to tolerate frustration and disappointment. We can do that by turning our attention to the bossed-around child, telling her she has good ideas, and making space for those ideas to come to life. That could mean grabbing a sheet of paper and saying, draw for me the picture you had in mind or asking her to tell you her ideas for a name for the new gold fish. Give your flexible child a voice and build her confidence so she can assert herself more confidently and adjust the relationship dynamic.
What do you typically say to your bossy child to get him or her to compromise?
