My teenage son and I had quite the argument recently. I have to confess; I didn’t act my age. I lost my temper, said hurtful things, and made very bad judgments about what to share and what not to share. It was while we were in the heat of the argument, him standing in front of me—all 6 feet 2 inches of him—that my eyes played a trick on me: I saw his sweet little five-year-old face instead of his anguished teenaged face. I didn’t want to fight anymore.
At that moment, after almost 20 years of being a mom, I knew it was time to figure out how to deal with an argumentative teenager. That resolution led me to these 3 words to remember before an argument begins.
1. Stability
Am I grounded emotionally and physically? I should be emotionally calm and able to focus on the issue at hand. If I’m seething with anger or so agitated that I’m crying, the issue needs to be put on the back burner. I should also be physically ready—not sleep-deprived, hungry, or the dreaded “hangry.” If I’m stable, I can go for it. If not, I should wait until I’m more grounded because even in an argument, Mom should be the stable home base to which her teen is tethered.
2. Motivation
Most of the time, I come into an argument motivated by what my teenager needs to change or what I want him to do, but I also need to consider what he wants from the conversation and let him know that I want to hear his thoughts. When teenagers have agency, they’re more likely to accept the outcome of an argument, even if they don’t get 100 percent of what they wanted.
When teenagers have agency, they're more likely to accept the outcome of an argument, even if they don’t get 100 percent of what they wanted. Click To Tweet3. Flexibility
Can I be flexible? My son recently asked if he could leave at 11:30 to go to a midnight party. I didn’t want him driving home late, so I said no. I knew going into the conversation that I wouldn’t budge on that point, but I still heard him out and explained that if the party had started earlier, and he could’ve been home by 12, I would’ve let him go. Ideally, learning how to deal with an argumentative teenager includes being flexible when you can be. But when you can’t, you stand your ground and prepare for an argument.
What is your best tip for arguing with a teenager?
