Oh boy, my daughter had fire in her eyes. The words flying out of her mouth hit me like darts to the heart. I couldn’t help but feel their sharpness, thrown at me with such force. She spun her arms, emphasizing her anger, making it bigger and making me recoil. Such fury! I wanted it to stop. I wanted my own mounting anger to deescalate too. I needed an answer. Some guidance. Something to say that would throw water on this fire and put it out—but what would work?
Through trial and many errors, I’ve found what works best for my kids. I’ve found the water that will douse almost any flame if I manage to throw it before I lose my cool myself. It has worked for me, so maybe it’ll work for you too. The next time your child gets angry, try saying one of these 3 sentences to calm her.
There are many strategies out there to help an angry child calm down, from validating your child’s feelings to asking your child if he or she wants to talk. But if you’ve tried those strategies and are still struggling to help, try these ideas instead.
1. I love you.
When you tell your child you love him, it changes the direction of the conversation and all the emotion that comes with it. Angry children aren’t rational. They can’t be reasoned with. But one thing all children understand is love.
While anger can be aggressive and loud, love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not proud. It’s also not easily angered. If my child’s stomping about, his face red, and words shooting out of his mouth, I know he has lost control. And as he’s gotten worked up, so have I. So now I summon words that have the power to calm us both. In the heat of the moment, I’ll say, “I love you.” With those words, I feel myself calming down. I’m giving him patience, kindness, and unconditional love in a moment when he needs it most.
Try saying “I love you” the next time he’s angry, and see what happens.
2. I’m glad you’re my kid.
When I said these words to my daughter last week, she stopped spewing anger. Her lips closed and she narrowed her eyes at me in a moment of silence. So, I said it again: “I’m glad you’re my kid.” She stared at me, speechless. Then, she stomped away.
But she came back about five minutes later and threw her arms around me. When children are angry, sometimes they feel misunderstood. Other times, they feel unlovable, unlikable, or as if they’ve failed in some way. It’s important for kids to know that feeling angry is OK. It’s only when they cross the line into disrespect that it becomes a problem. If a child truly has difficulties with anger, and outbursts happen frequently, these words may not deescalate the situation. But they will remind her that she’s important to you no matter what she does.
If a child truly has difficulties with anger, and outbursts happen frequently, these words may not deescalate the situation. But they will remind her that she’s important to you no matter what she does. Click To TweetThe next time she’s angry, pause to let everything slow down around you. Reach inside for the love you know you have for her and say, “Honey, I know you’re mad, but I’m glad you’re my kid.” Focusing on positive words in a tough situation prevents you from saying something you’ll regret later.
3. There’s nothing you can do or say to change how I feel about you.
“Sometimes my son gets angry and yells at me,” Lisa told me. “Usually, he’s overtired and frustrated with something.” When I asked her how she deals with it, she said she tells him that “there’s nothing you can say that’ll change how I feel about you.” If he’s said mean words or “I hate you,” she doesn’t let him off the hook. They talk about his disrespect when he has calmed down. But she said in the moment it helps to remind him that she loves him no matter what. When he realizes his words won’t get a rise out of her, and that she still accepts him and loves him, he often gives up and calms down.
How to help an angry child calm down depends on the situation. But if you stay calm and deliver words of love and acceptance, it’s harder for another person to stay angry. At the very least, you’ll prevent things from getting more heated.
What suggestions do you have to help an angry child calm down?
