“I don’t want to go to taekwondo,” my daughter said after school. Immediately, my mind started calculating the cost per practice and how much I’d lose if she skipped. But when I saw her tired eyes, I kind of softened. But not too much. “You have to go,” I spat out. “It’s what we do on Tuesdays and Thursdays.” She flopped onto her bed, and I bristled. “Where’s your uniform? We’re gonna be late.” When she didn’t respond, I lost my cool altogether. A bad attitude can be contagious.
We’ve all fallen prey to our kids’ sour moods now and again. But next time, when you want to improve your child’s attitude, turn it around in 3 steps. You may not get her to do what you want, but your relationship won’t suffer because of it. It might actually improve.
1. Say words of empathy.
Sometimes, when my child is railing about the injustice of all his homework or doesn’t want to roll out of bed in the morning, I start to feel my blood boil. And my instinct is to tell him to hop to it. But that never works. If you want to know how to improve a child’s attitude, start by eliminating any fuel to the fire.
If you want to know how to improve a child’s attitude, start by eliminating any fuel to the fire. Click To TweetTelling my son “everyone has homework” and going to school is his job right now might be true. But it’s not going to cool the flames. Never once has he replied, “You know what, Mom? You’re right. I’m just going to stop complaining.” Nope. He’s just argued louder and longer. So try this new tactic that has the power to change your child’s bad attitude in an instant: give him empathy.
Say these words to your child instead: I understand how you feel. I get it. I’d be upset too.
2. Offer affection or make him laugh.
After those initial words of empathy, he’ll be momentarily dumfounded. There likely will be a moment of silence as he looks at you with skepticism. Reinforce your empathy in that moment with affection. Step in and pat his back or give him a hug. Let him know you love him. A little warmth can go a long way to cool off a grumpy kid.
OR, try lightening the mood with laughter. Crack a joke to make him smile. Licensed master social worker Kim Abraham advises parents to use laughter as a coping skill. “[It] helps give you some objectivity and allows you to find common ground with your child, even during an interaction that might have been tense and angry moments before.” Laughter lightens the mood and can effectively put things in perspective. So, give it a try the next time you’re struggling to improve your child’s attitude.
3. Give her a choice.
“You can either go to taekwondo tonight or make up the class on the weekend.” In this scenario, my child chose to get it done. But if your child decides on choice number two, you have to hold her to it. With a child who has a strong will, your will has to be stronger. The Penn State Extension program, which delivers “science-based information” and provides “access to face-to-face and online education,” advises us to offer choices to keep problems from escalating: “Giving children choices helps them feel like they have some power and control over what they do.”
If you’ve empathized or showed affection (or made him laugh!), but his attitude hasn’t improved as much as you’d like, take this third step by offering a choice. Do you want green beans or peas with your chicken? Would you like to empty the dishwasher first or after you’ve had a snack?
How have you improved a child’s attitude when he’s tired or cranky?
