My friend Danielle moved to another country when her son, Chase, was 2, so I missed out on seeing her little boy grow. Several years later, Danielle called and told me about some of the trouble she was having now that Chase was 14. He was demanding, rude, and lacked perseverance in school. Sometimes, his emotions carried him away and he had trouble with setbacks. Danielle wrapped up by saying, “I should’ve done better when he was little because we’re paying for it now.” She paused and I held my breath, waiting. “I didn’t know how to raise a child right, I guess.”
Eesh. I knew Danielle to be a smart, loving, and faith-filled woman. And when I last saw Chase, he was so sweet and quiet. What happened? Her words made me look at my toddler with fresh eyes. I certainly didn’t want what happened with Chase to happen in my home. After some more discussion with her, I decided I needed to make some changes of my own. I knew I would always love my child, but I wanted to raise a child I’d like—and a child others would like, too. Here are the 5 things I chose to work on that you might also find helpful to raise a child you’ll like down the road.
1. Basic Manners
This is the one my friend mentioned first. “’Please’ and ‘thank you’ never stuck,” Danielle lamented. Happily, I’d just found an approach that worked with my kids: “Would you like some milk? Yes, please? Or no, thank you?” By offering them the polite answer ahead of time, they learned how to respond in a way that exhibited courtesy for others.
2. Special, Not Special Treatment
Yes, your kid is special to you, but does she feel like she should receive special treatment? Do you buy your son a treat every time you’re at the store? Give your daughter dessert after every meal? Drop everything every time your child calls? These are things I knew I needed to work on. Entitlement wasn’t something I wanted to encourage. One trick to help is to practice saying, “I’ll be there in five minutes.” Kids can learn not only patience but that you have other responsibilities besides them.
3. Praise
Try to “praise the process, not the product.” Even if your child is super smart, find a way to point out great effort more often. Danielle said it wasn’t until recently that Chase found schoolwork challenging. He’d been told for years that he was “so smart,” so when he didn’t get A’s, he struggled with self-doubt. Danielle has since been trying to change his thinking to “I can do this. I’m a hard worker,” so he persists when things get tough.
4. Competence Training
Are your kids learning what they can do for themselves? Self-esteem grows from learning you’re capable of doing things on your own. Zipping a zipper. Buttoning a jacket. These things take time. But the payoff is more than a dressed child; it’s the layers on the inside that build a child’s confidence. Competency comes from patience and time. If your child fights you or cries? Take a break and try again later. These internal building blocks are important to stack up now.
Zipping a zipper. Buttoning a jacket. These things take time. But the payoff is more than a dressed child; it’s the layers on the inside that build a child’s confidence. Click To Tweet5. Facing Big Stuff
When kids are young, they often wear their emotions on their sleeves. Knowing what they’re thinking is key to providing the right help. But kids also need to know how and when to stay in control. If you’re in public and yours has launched into an “I can’t do it!” tirade, teach him to rein it in by modeling calmness and not arguing with him. To teach him it’s OK to express himself, bring up the conversation later, at home. “Why did you think you couldn’t do it? What could have worked better?” Teach him it’s OK to emote, but how and where he does it will be increasingly more important as he gets older.
Don’t underestimate the difficulty of these five ways to raise a child you like. Moms, it’s definitely hard. But the payoff will be a child you like—and who likes him or herself.
What are some strategies you are using to raise a child with good manners and a good worth ethic?
