As a friend and I pushed through the gym doors, our conversation turned to our husbands. “Mine only lifts weights because—.” She averted her eyes. “He said he wants to look good for me.” She wrinkled her nose. “He should work out for himself. Don’t you think?” I told her I thought it was sweet, and he probably wanted to impress her. “Do you tell him he looks good?” I asked. She gave me a heavy look, and then said, “Maybe I should.” If, like my friend, you’re learning how to respect your husband in new ways, admiring him is a great place to start!
We’re not talking about turning your hubby into Mr. Vain but rather giving him a little wifely admiration. It’s a form of respect and can have a positive impact on your marriage. Sometimes, when you’ve been married for a while, you just need a little reminder. Here are 5 loving acts of admiration if you want to learn how to respect your husband in a new way.
1. Put your admiration for your husband into words and tell him.
Most of us like to know when we’re doing a good job. Our husbands are no different. Our words can be confidence boosters, mood lifters, and loving reminders of why you ended up together. When you openly admire your husband, it shows respect. The Gottman Institute says admiration is also a “friendship skill” couples can use to grow closer after the romantic, puppy love stage fades. It works in direct opposition to contempt, which is a “relationship killer.”
Let your husband know what you admire about him and why: I’m impressed by the way you handled our child’s misbehavior. Or, I’m proud of how generous you are—with your money, but also your time. Or, I’m attracted to your deep voice, and it always excites me when you call.
2. Use those words in front of others.
When you openly admire your husband in front of your kids, they feel safe and secure in your love for each other, and he feels respected. You can also admire your husband in front of your parents, his parents, friends, and coworkers. It’s a way of saying you respect who he is. As the Gottman Institute says, when you admire your husband in “intentional, consistent, faithful ways,” you’re driving away any of the negative feelings like contempt that may crop up in a marriage over the years. So, make the effort. He will take notice and hopefully admire you in return.
In his presence, say, I really admire my husband’s work ethic. Or, He grills steaks to perfection. Seriously. Every, single time. Or, I love how he organized this get-together.
3. Give him room to follow his passions.
My friend didn’t love her husband’s boating hobby when he got started. His little fixer-upper required a lot of work and time down by the lake. But she admired his perseverance. When it was finally ready, he was so proud to take her and their son out on the water. Now, boating has become a family thing with extra bonding time between father and son.
Admiring your husband for his safe, healthy hobbies is good for your relationship. Your respect and admiration matter to him, and they show you love him (even if the hobby isn’t your fav). Finding the good qualities in what he does shows you’re paying attention to him.
4. Support his professional life.
Whatever he does for a living, he’s doing it for you and the family. And like most employees, he probably doesn’t get much acknowledgment for a good day’s work. That’s where you can step up.
A simple, purposeful comment could make him feel valued: I admire your commitment to your job. I’m amazed by how well you fulfill your role. I’m impressed by your dedication to being the best [name his profession] you can be. Being specific with your admiration works best!
5. Touch him.
If you’re new parents, you may spend most of your waking hours holding and cuddling your child. Or, if you’ve been married a while, you may have fallen out of the groove of handholding, kissing, or snuggling each other. But men at all stages of marriage want to know you find them attractive. Lovingly touching your spouse is a way of showing respect and admiration. “All men want to be admired and desired,” says Isadora Alman, MFT, a board-certified sex, marriage, and family therapist. And after 35 years of listening to others’ stories, she’s learned that many men are shy about asking for what they want or need physically.
To show you admire and respect your husband, make it a habit to “[c]aress him in passing at least two times a day,” says Alman. Hopefully, he’ll return the gesture. It’s not just good for you both as individuals, but good for your marriage, and for your family as the years pass.
Learning how to respect your husband often involves practicing gratitude for who he is and the role he plays in your family. What does your husband do that makes you grateful?
