“Grab your shoes! We’re going to the park with friends!” I expected my son to smile, maybe even let out a little squeal, but instead, he asked why. I didn’t know how to respond. I thought, “I’m gonna need him to be more specific.” Why the shoes? Why the park? Or why now? This kiddo asked why so much from ages 3 to 4 that I nicknamed him “The Riddler.”
Some kids’ auto-response is always set to “why,” which can be exhausting and, frankly, annoying. If that sounds familiar and you want to know how to respond when your child keeps asking why, here are 3 possible reasons and responses that can satisfy cute and insatiable curiosities.
1. They want security.
My kids ask a lot of questions when we go to the pediatrician. “Why do I have to get a shot?” “Why are some people doctors?” “Why is there this crunchy paper on the table?” They’re nervous, and asking questions gives them answers that help them feel safe.
In an interview with the BBC, clinical psychologist Linda Blair said, “Just like adults, children are most afraid when they’re not sure what’s going to happen.” Asking why helps them make predictions about the world around them.
Instead of why, imagine your kids are saying…
“I need you to tell me something that makes me feel safe,” and try a response like, “This is different and new, so I understand why you have questions. Gathering information makes new experiences easier for me, too.”
2. They are curious.
“We can’t take the caterpillar home with us.” As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted them. “Why?” my son replied then and after everything I said for the next several sentences, like, “It won’t survive,” and, “Caterpillars don’t like cat food.”
In a study out of the University of Michigan, researchers learned kids aren’t just making small talk when they ask questions. They want satisfactory answers. Between the ages of 2 and 5, kids are realizing how big the world is and how much there is to discover. When the children in their study got answers that weren’t explanations, they seemed dissatisfied and were more likely to repeat their original question.
Instead of why, imagine they’re saying…
“Can you tell me more?” Then try a response like, “I have an idea, but you tell me why first.” If you’re wondering how to respond when your child keeps asking why, a thought like this will help grow his imagination. He’ll also learn that there might be more than one possible answer and have to choose the one that’s best.
3. They’re testing boundaries.
One afternoon, I popped into my son’s preschool class just in time to see the teacher yell to a trio of kids in the art center: “Don’t eat the kinetic sand!” One kid proceeded to eat the sand, one got wide-eyed and dropped the sand immediately, and another said, “Why?” Instead of reprimanding the child for questioning her instruction, she hurried over and asked, “How might your tummy feel if you eat something that’s not food?” I was impressed that she did this while digging for sand in the mouth of the sand eater.
It might be nice to get an “OK, Mama!” out of our kids all the time, but when they respond to us with why, they’re often exploring their independence and experimenting with cause and effect.
Instead of why, imagine they’re saying…
“I want to know what’s going to happen if I don’t.” Then try asking questions like my son’s teacher did that will lead them to smart conclusions without a mouthful of sand.
Do your little riddlers just want attention?
According to Linda Blair, probably not. She said, “Most studies suggest that [kids] actually want the information and that they also want you to know that they’re interested in something.” So when you listen to their questions and respond thoughtfully, they feel important and loved, which also grows their self-esteems.
So if you want to know how to respond when your child keeps asking why, imagine she’s saying, “I want you to know this interests me,” and remember, there will come a day when your kids will insist they know everything. So enjoy their questions while you can.
What’s the best “why” question you’ve heard from your kids?
