After spending hours at the emergency vet, my husband and I brought home my 13-year-old cat, Hansel, hoping he’d get better. By midnight, it became clear he wouldn’t. I put Hansel in his carrier and told my husband to go back to bed. I could do this on my own. I drove back to the vet with tears in my eyes. As I walked up to the office’s glass door, I saw the reflection of headlights growing closer. My husband parked, got out of his car, grabbed the carrier, and held me as I cried. Then we walked into the office together.
Unsure how to show someone you care? Show up when they have to put a pet to sleep. It checks all the boxes! That doesn’t happen every day, so how can we show up for our husbands (and them for us) more often? Here are 10 ways to be there.
1. Stick around for the tough or boring stuff.
If your husband says you don’t have to attend his work function or you can hang back when he has to go for that follow-up appointment at the doctor, find a way to go if you can. Life is better when you do things together, especially the hard stuff.
2. Do what you say you’re going to do.
I love the Bible verse that says “He who is faithful with little things is faithful with big things also.” It always makes me think of my husband. If he says he’s going to do something, he does it, even small things like gassing up the car. When we show up in small ways, we can be trusted to show up in big ways, too.
When we show up in small ways, we can be trusted to show up in big ways, too. Click To Tweet3. Help him love his family.
If you’ve been married for some time, you know “in sickness and health” and “for better or worse” extend past the husband and wife. When my friend’s father got sick, her husband stepped in to provide at-home care for his father-in-law. It was sacrificial love in action. Helping honor each other’s parents and extended family is a profound way to show someone you care.
4. Be present when you’re together.
You can show up for your husband in this way every single day. Look at each other when you talk. Turn off the podcast or music. Listen with the goal to understand, not to move on in the conversation. Try our conversation starters if you want to talk about something different.
5. View yourself as a partner instead of a helper.
(This one is more for the husbands, ahem). It’s great to ask how you can help, and don’t misunderstand—spouses need to help each other. But in most scenarios, a helper or assistant reports to the person in charge and waits for instructions. What we really need in a spouse is a partner, not simply a helper. A partner is just as invested in and responsible for the success or failure of the project or mission. Your marriage and family are your mission. Be each other’s partners in mission.
6. Anticipate his needs.
When my husband hands me a glass of wine at the end of a long day without me asking, I feel seen, which builds my trust in him. Does your husband need 10 minutes to decompress after work? Can you hand him a new bar of soap around the shower curtain before he has to shout for one? Anticipating someone’s needs isn’t easy, but it’s magical when we get it right.
7. Save some of your energy for him.
After a long week, my husband told me, “I feel like I didn’t get any of you this week.” It was a punch to the gut. I’d given myself to places and people that weren’t as important as him. Spouses can’t expect to show up for each other if we’ve poured all our energy into other things. Put time with your husband on the calendar before anything else.
8. Support each other’s dreams.
At 40, my friend decided she wanted to pursue stand-up comedy. Her husband backed her 100% and said she could test her jokes on him. That’s how you show up!
9. Prioritize intimacy.
Whether it’s sex, deep conversation, or prayer, being physically and emotionally intimate is how we are designed to show up in marriage. What gets in the way of that most often for you? Kids? Exhaustion? Emotional walls?
10. Be the muscle.
Most couples share the heavy lifting. One person is the main disciplinarian with the kids. The other wakes for middle of the night tummy aches. Carry the load when you can see your husband needs a break. And tell him when you need him to lift it for you.
How do you show someone you care? What do you do to show up for your husband, and how does he show up for you that is most meaningful?
