“Come here, babe. Sit on Mommy’s lap,” I said to my almost-11-year-old daughter, the youngest of four. I saw a hint of hesitation in her eyes, but my compliant child walked over and sat in my lap anyway. As I tried to get comfortable, we struggled a bit with her long legs and arms, and she slid off to sit next to me instead. What am I doing? I thought.
Sometimes, moms struggle to accept that our last “baby” is growing up, but the reality is that babying a child for too long can lead to some detrimental long-term effects. Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., says those effects can be a lack of independence, confidence, and overall maturity. Here are 4 ways to stop babying your child.
1. Remember how you treated your oldest child at the same age.
When my youngest child was born, my oldest was 6. As I held my newborn, my oldest suddenly seemed gigantic, not to mention super capable! She was getting diapers for me, brushing her 3-year-old brother’s teeth, and setting the table.
In the early years, if you have neurotypical children, the oldest is going to be the more capable one and the youngest is going to need more of your help. But we don’t want to enable our youngest kids to need that much help into adulthood. This is why it helps to pause and think about the current age of your youngest child. How did I treat my oldest child at this age? Then take steps toward doing the same with your youngest.
2. Don’t make excuses for your youngest.
Chances are, if you’re reading this article, you have more than one child. You know what those age-appropriate milestones and abilities are. And yet, the entire family often has consistently lower expectations for the youngest child and will make excuses for immature behavior. She’s not walking yet? Oh, we just love to hold her. He’s not clearing his plate after dinner? Oh, (oldest child), can you grab it for him? She’s throwing a toddler-style tantrum at age 6? Aw, poor baby, she’s just overtired.
I’ve done it without even realizing I was making excuses. But the sooner we start recognizing it, the better off they’ll be. If we don’t show our kids we believe in them now, they won’t believe in themselves later. And one day, it could be more than a dirty plate left behind. Instead, watch your youngest rise to the occasion as you put your faith in her to do harder and more mature things.
If we don’t show our kids we believe in them now, they won’t believe in themselves later. Click To Tweet3. Don’t back down on rules and consequences.
One of the biggest complaints from older children in families is that the youngest kids get “off the hook” instead of facing consequences. With each additional child, a mom’s attention is increasingly divided, and she realizes not every battle needs to be fought. She’s a little more tired and busy. And then there’s that baby-of-the-family charm…
According to BusinessInsider.com, the youngest of the family is more likely to “learn to disarm with charm and to pay attention to other people’s thoughts and motivations in order to stay one step ahead of them.” But no matter how cute or charming, everyone needs to learn to respect rules and consequences. If you never enforce them, the baby of the family can begin to think that rules in general don’t apply to him, leading to a disregard for rules as an adult as well.
4. Grieve the loss.
When our youngest child was ready to move from her crib to a toddler bed, I walked past her room and saw my husband taking the crib down. I collapsed into tears. The feeling of loss took me by surprise. But as I processed it, it made sense. When we took down the crib for the other kids, it was because a new baby needed it. This time, it was being taken down for good.
Sometimes we have trouble accepting that the baby phase of motherhood has ended, so we keep babying the youngest. But it’s healthier for everyone and will make it possible to stop babying your child if, instead, you allow yourself to grieve the ending of this stage in healthy ways. Talk about your feelings, think about the blessings in this new stage, or seek spiritual support. Remember, your child might also be a little sad as she enters a new stage. So it’s good to grieve well in front of your child so she knows how to grieve well, too. Say things like, “I get a little weepy when I think about how you’re not a baby anymore, but I love watching you grow and change.”
What makes you not want to stop babying your child?
