At the robotics competition, Lea drove the team robot with one remote while my daughter controlled its arm with another. The girls had only two minutes to pick up as many blocks as they could and move them to a different corner of the playing field. When the final buzzer sounded, tears welled in Lea’s eyes because their robot had gotten stuck, and they’d lost the round. My daughter patted Lea’s arm and said something I couldn’t hear while Lea sniffled and wiped her eyes. I could almost hear my daughter telling her teammate they’d do better next time. Even though it’s always hard to lose, I felt grateful my daughter has a rubber-ball mindset and could bounce back quickly from the loss.
When your child makes a mistake or has a setback, how does she respond? Does she dwell on the past, or look ahead to the future? Can she shake off the uncomfortable feelings and move on? I have two kids and one does it better than the other. When we learn how to teach a child that mistakes are OK, our kids can learn how to bounce back from them faster. Here are 7 ways to build a rubber-ball mindset in your child.
1. Have her try new things—often.
When my son was about 6, he got so mad he ripped the Old Maid card and ruined the game. I knew he needed practice dealing with setbacks and frustration so, we played a lot of Go Fish, rummy, and Uno in those days. Being able to handle little frustrations will make it easier for your child to handle big frustrations. Expose your child to lots of different opportunities to try new things, knowing he won’t always be successful and that’s OK.
2. Focus on enjoying the journey with her.
“I love the detail in this drawing,” I told my daughter. So many drawings hung in her bedroom and served as a visual reminder of her growth as an artist. When she didn’t win a drawing contest at the end of the school year, I admit, I was surprised. Her work was really good. But my daughter didn’t seem fazed. Maybe it’s because she’s enjoyed the journey and for her, that’s been enough.
3. Empathize and use rubber-ball imagery.
In middle school, I had a “friend” who said mean things. My mom hugged me when I came home teary-eyed, but she taught me a way to handle this girl’s insensitive comments. “Be like a rubber ball,” she said. “Let her words bounce off you instead of deflating you.” I had to train myself to think this way and to bounce back, but I got better at it and spent less time in the dumps. We can do the same thing for our kids: empathize with them, but then teach them how to recover and grow stronger.
4. Allow him to see he’s not the center of your world.
If a mom spends a lot of time driving her son to violin lessons, taking him to summer enrichment camps, and working with him at home, the child might start to assume his mom’s happiness depends on him. It’s necessary for our kids to see that we have other interests outside parenting and that our happiness isn’t contingent on our offspring’s success. If you teach a child that mistakes are OK and they aren’t a catastrophe for you, he’s going to fare better when he bombs a test or forgets his lines during the school play.
If you teach a child that mistakes are OK and they aren't a catastrophe for you, he’s going to fare better when he bombs a test or forgets his lines during the school play. Click To Tweet5. Give him other responsibilities.
“I know you have a test tomorrow,” I told my son. “And you’ll have time to study after you wipe down the table.” He griped, but he did it. Forgoing chores to focus solely on his upcoming test tells my son that nothing else matters as much as his performance on the test. I don’t want that. So, I still make him practice his piano, do his regular chores, and take a shower every day.
6. Be mindful of your own reactions.
When my kids were younger, I used to get as upset with their mistakes and setbacks as they sometimes did. Now, I try to be steadier with how I respond. “That was fun,” my daughter said, after we applauded the winners of a costume contest. To my surprise, she hadn’t won, even with a fantastic costume. “Yes, it was,” I replied, evenly. Sometimes our kids have a better grasp on the rubber-ball mindset than we give them credit for.
7. Incorporate humor and fun into daily life.
My firstborn child can take things very seriously and be hard on himself. So, I make a conscious effort to get him laughing. Laughing decreases his stress and can put things into better perspective. I’ve never taken a dance class in my life, but threatening to show off my moves at his school is a running joke that always gets him to smile. If I must embarrass myself to make my kid loosen up, then so be it.
How to teach a child that mistakes are OK might depend on the child. Which one of the above strategies might work in your home?
