Childhood is a series of failures. Of course, we don’t frame it that way, but it’s true. Kids don’t walk the first time they try. They’re not great at tying shoes, zipping up jackets, or even buckling themselves in without s l o w l y practicing countless times. All those little slip-ups are normal, but over time, many kids start to attach meaning to them.
Somewhere along the way, failure shifts from part of the learning process to something kids see as proof they’re not good enough. Or worse, they start to label themselves as failures. As moms, our instinct is often to comfort or fix, but we won’t always be there in the moment. That’s why knowing how to teach kids to deal with failure and developing healthy coping skills is so important. Here are 7 simple statements for building confidence in kids when setbacks happen.
1. “That didn’t work…yet!”
In my kids’ elementary school, they teach that F.A.I.L. stands for “First Attempt In Learning.” It’s a reminder that every misstep is part of the process, not the end of it. So when your child is in the middle of mastering a new skill, teach him this phrase as a way to reframe each setback as a clue about what to try differently next time.
Mom Move: Resist the urge to offer solutions immediately. Instead, ask, “Why do you think that didn’t work?” Let your child think through her response before you jump in with fixes. And encourage her to say “That didn’t work…yet!” out loud.
2. “That took courage.”
We live in a culture obsessed with outcomes, but courage happens in the attempt, not the result. When kids internalize the truth of this statement, they learn their worth isn’t tied to a perfect performance. And they stop beating themselves up for imperfect results.
Mom Move: When your child fails at something new, acknowledge her courage: “I’m proud you tried something so hard. That took real courage.” You’re modeling for your child how to use this phrase.
3. “Everyone who’s ever succeeded has failed along the way.”
This phrase gives kids a historical perspective on failure. Taylor Swift was dropped by her first record label. Abraham Lincoln lost multiple elections before becoming president. When kids realize failure is part of every success story, they see it as proof they’re on the right path, not a reason to quit.
Mom Move: When your child needs encouragement after a big mishap, try saying: “You’re in good company. Everyone who’s done something great has failed along the way. What’s your next step?” This keeps the focus on belonging (everyone fails) and choosing how to move forward.
4. “I can handle hard things.”
Teaching kids to deal with failure also means teaching them to manage the challenging emotions that come with it. When they miss the winning goal, bomb a test, or feel left out, teaching them this phrase reminds them that the disappointment is real, but so is their strength. Instead of minimizing the sting, it builds confidence that they can work through it.
Mom Move: When your child is spiraling, remind him of a specific hard thing he’s already conquered: “Remember when you were terrified of the diving board but you did it anyway? You handled that fear, and you can handle this too.”
5. “What can I control?”
Sometimes kids dwell on failures. But this statement shifts focus from regret to resilience. When kids learn to ask themselves, “What can I control right now?” after a disappointment, they’re practicing how to focus on their response rather than their circumstances.
Mom Move: Try the “two-column trick.” Draw a line down the middle of a page. Label one side “Can’t Control” and the other “Can Control.” Work with your child to sort his thoughts into the right column, then brainstorm actions from the “Can Control” side.
6. “What would I say to my friend?”
Kids are often their own worst critics (just like us moms!). But this phrase activates your child’s emerging empathy and redirects it toward positive self-talk. Teaching them to ask what they’d tell their best friends in the same situation can shift their thinking away from harsh judgment.
Mom Move: When your kid calls herself “stupid” for not doing well on a test, say: “I heard you being really mean to someone I love. What would you say to [friend’s name] if this happened to her instead?”
7. “This is temporary, not forever.”
A fixed mindset leads kids to believe that a momentary failure is a permanent reflection of their character. However, this phrase encourages them to adopt a growth mindset. So, instead of “I’m bad at math,” a poor test grade becomes “I need to work on fractions.”
Mom Move: When your child gets a disappointing grade, instead of asking “What happened?” try “Which problems were easy? Which were hard? What patterns do you notice?”
Which phrases or strategies have worked best for your family in how to teach kids to deal with failure?
