My son jumped up from the table. “I have to finish an assignment,” he said. He darted out of the kitchen “Wait! Your plate!” I called. His reply came from the living room: “I’ll get it later! I need to get this done!” Sick of looking at the plate after an hour, I rinsed it and stuck it in the dishwasher. Then I realized my daughter still needed to wipe down the table, and neither kid had lunch ready for the next day. “Ugh,” I thought. “It’s been a busy evening. Maybe I should make lunches for them so they can get to bed earlier.” Helping them out would help us all—right?
Maybe not. We do a lot for our kids. It’s in our nature. But do we do too much? If we want our kids to grow up with more confidence and preparedness for the future, we should step back more than we step in. Start working with your kids today using these 5 little ways to teach your child to be self-sufficient.
1. Stop feeling guilty.
When my daughter’s gone all day at school, I sometimes feel like I should help her get things done so we can spend time together and she can go to bed on time. But I’ve realized doing things for my child because I feel guilty isn’t really helping her.
It’s natural to want to do things for our kids. But don’t feel guilty for having a job or tending to other obligations in the home, thinking you need to make it up to your kids. Instead, know that having your child do things for herself actually benefits her. She’s learning life skills.
2. Examine your anxiety.
“Mom, you make the best almond butter sandwiches!” my child often says. It makes me smile and I end up making her lunch instead of having her do it. Do you like it when your child depends on you too? I admit, sometimes when my child doesn’t ask for my opinion on her homework, I wonder why not. Doesn’t she want to know what I think?
In The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Raising Self-Reliant Children by Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., the author says we may unconsciously seek involvement and intimate connection with our children because our loneliness or insecurity. Maybe you left the workforce to stay home or perhaps you went back to work and now miss seeing your kids. Be aware of your anxiety and try to think long-term about what will benefit your kids most.
3. Be firm and follow through.
“This is how you cut waffles,” I said to my son, demonstrating with a fork and knife. He tried, but then set down the utensils and tore a waffle into chunks. Sometimes it’s easier to let kids get away with a quick solution, but kids know when we’re unconvinced about things and when we’re serious and will follow through. Doing tasks ourselves may also be easier, but if you want your child to be self-sufficient in the future, it’s important to have them do the hard things, even if they push back.
4. Don’t pity your child.
Awww, I thought. She hasn’t had any time to play. I can clear the dinner dishes for her tonight. Have you felt sorry for your child and stepped in like I have? Now and then, it’s thoughtful. But if you regularly excuse her from responsibilities, you’re not helping her future self.
Children deserve our love and devotion, Mogel writes. But “they deserve to be taught how to fend for themselves and eventually contribute to society.” Part of showing your child love is having her learn self-reliance. If you want to teach your child to be self-sufficient, don’t feel bad about making her do things for herself.
Part of showing your child love is having her learn self-reliance. Click To Tweet5. Give her responsibilities.
For a long time, my kids didn’t have regular chores, but one day, when I asked one of them to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer, my kid said, “How?” I realized I needed to give my kids more responsibilities.
Teaching a child to be self-sufficient will lead to confidence because he’ll feel like he’s contributing to the family. We want our kids to have good self-esteem, so giving them more jobs around the house is one way to get there.
How to teach your child to be self-sufficient may depend on your commitment level. Are you ready to commit to teaching your child self-reliance?
