Hamburger casserole finally did me in. I’d been working on our two-week meal menu and grocery list for hours while dealing with brain fog from COVID when my husband asked, “What do you have planned for Saturday night?” When I told him it was hamburger casserole, he said that dish “didn’t feel like a Saturday night meal.” I looked at him and yelled sarcastically, “OK!” And five minutes later, I was standing in the shower crying.
When I emerged, puffy-eyed, he asked what he could do not to be in trouble. I said, “You’re not in trouble. I’m just overwhelmed.” Do you keep things inside instead of telling your husband what you need? I don’t expect my husband to read my mind, but there are ways to speak up about what we need in a style that’s healthy and productive. Here’s how to tell your husband what you need in 3 important areas. I even asked my husband to chime in and give his take.
1. In the Bedroom
A friend recently told me about a friend of hers who’s been married for 18 years and has never enjoyed having sex. Not once. Sister, you need to talk to your husband! But I get it. It’s embarrassing and awkward and maybe you don’t even know what you want. Start by considering these two things: A woman should enjoy sex as much as a man does, and it’s OK to admit you don’t like something that’s been part of your routine for years.
Give him a sexy note that tells him what you’re thinking about. If you don’t know what to say, don’t use words. Instead, try taking control in bed. Sometimes showing is a better form of communication than telling.
My Husband’s Take:
Please tell me. I want to know anything that will make you more eager and more into it. And if you’re not interested now and then, that’s OK, but when you turn me down repeatedly, it starts to feel like rejection. And maybe don’t say I’m doing something wrong right in the middle of it all, but after, say “I liked that” or “I didn’t like that.” Trust me. I’ll listen and take notes like a law student preparing for the bar exam.
2. In Your Relationship
I’m a verbal processor. I often find myself saying, “I’m just thinking out loud.” Because I know this about myself, I understand why I get so annoyed when I’m interrupted, especially when my husband and I are having a serious discussion. Not only is he interrupting my words, but he’s also interrupting my thoughts.
To know how to tell your husband what you need in your relationship, you need to get back to some communication basics. Whether you need emotional support, affection, or more connection in your marriage, a good tool is using “I feel” statements instead of “you are” statements. So, in my case, I could say, “When you interrupt me, I feel rejected because I believe being interrupted means people don’t care what I think. I’d like it if you’d let me finish my thought.” And not, “You are such a jerk when you interrupt me. It’s gotta stop.”
Whether you need emotional support, affection, or more connection in your marriage, a good tool is using “I feel” statements instead of “you are” statements. Click To TweetMy Husband’s Take:
Just be straightforward. Please remember I can’t read your mind. Sometimes, what I think you want or need is completely different from your reality. And if you keep everything bottled up until you are screaming or crying as you talk to me, I get it, but it’s hard to process while I’m trying to handle your emotions.
3. In Your Home
When figuring out how to tell your husband what you need at home, timing is a key factor. Even if the laundry is piling up and the kids are running out of underwear, screaming that “the washer still needs to be fixed!” right as he walks in the door after work isn’t going to sit well with even the most patient guy.
Wait until things are calm or schedule a “state of the union” meeting. Don’t pile on all the ways you aren’t satisfied. Just pick one thing and talk about how you need his help. Be open to listening to what he needs from you, as he might be holding on to some things, too.
My Husband’s Take:
If you’re overwhelmed, say so, and then be clear with what I can take off your plate. Tell me what your top priorities are and delegate. Later, if I ask if you need anything and you say no, please don’t hold it against me if I do something I want to do. If you think I’m falling short, let me know, but don’t attack me. Be open to hearing my perspective on how I contribute and try to see things from my point of view.
What has your experience been with telling your husband what you need in these three areas?
