There are certain things we don’t say out loud as moms. We don’t say, “Vegetables are overrated” or “Sometimes speeding is OK.” We might want to, and we certainly may think those things, but we typically don’t say them. Likewise, from time to time, you may think “I don’t like my teenager.” Of course, you love your teen, but there might be days you don’t like your teen.
I know that sounds like bad parenting. A mom can’t think that, can she? Well, you most definitely shouldn’t say it to your teenager, but let’s face it—many of us have discovered that our teens are developing strong opinions we dislike, are behaving in ways that are frustrating, and they might even be treating us really badly. In these moments, you may find yourself thinking, “I don’t like my teenager.” And that’s OK. But you still need to show love to him or her no matter what. Here are 5 ways to do that.
1. Give your teen some space.
Sometimes your teen needs a break from you, and sometimes you need a break from your teen. When our teens begin pushing back or reacting in ways that tick us off, it’s easy to want to try to control them. But what might be most helpful in the moment is to get some space from each other. This gives you both a chance to calm down before you respond in ways that are unloving.
When your teen does want more space or starts to pull away from you, it’s helpful to remember that seeking more independence is a natural developmental stage. And University of Missouri researchers found that if moms can be OK with this process, they’ll have a better chance of maintaining a close bond with their child. Conversely, moms who react anxiously are more likely to have teens who become emotionally distant.
2. Look in the mirror.
Jesus famously said that before you point out the speck in someone’s eye, you need to remove the plank from your own. In other words, before you judge someone, take a long look in the mirror. This is true for your relationship with your teen. After all, maybe your teen’s response to you is as much about how you are treating him or her as it is about anything else. But loving your teen begins with self-examination of your own attitude and maturity.
No matter what our teen does, we need to be the adult and act like the adult. Take a breath and consider your teen’s hormonal fluctuations and his still-developing brain before you react so that you can be his place of stability. These seven bits of teen-parenting advice from a mom of seven can help you do that.
3. Pray for your teen.
When you find yourself thinking, “I don’t like my teenager,” use that as a prompt to begin praying. Pray that your teen would know how much you love him or her. Pray that your teen would have a deep sense of God’s love. And pray that he or she would learn wisdom, compassion, grace, and mercy. It’s difficult to continue to dislike someone you pray for.
4. Serve your teen.
I know—you’re thinking, “I serve my teen all day every day already!” When I say, “Serve your teen,” I don’t mean make your teenager dinner or wash his or her clothes—things you’re already doing. I mean, think about what else you could do that would communicate love. Is there something that would particularly communicate your love for your teen in a moment when he or she is getting on your nerves?
One mom I know regularly texts her son a simple phrase to convey how much she likes him and loves him. “YOU’RE the best!” she’ll say. More often than not, he’ll text back, “YOU’RE the best!” and maybe even an apology for how he acted.
5. Write your teen a letter.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning famously begins her Sonnet 43 with, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” Why not follow her example and begin literally counting the ways that you love your teenager? Make a list of the good things, the things that make you proud. Take some time to reflect on them yourself, and then give it to your teen or text a couple every day. If it’s really awkward, literally mail it to your teen so he or she can open it when ready.
Remember, love isn’t a feeling; it’s an action. You might not be able to choose whether you like your teen in this moment, but you most definitely can choose to love him or her and be kind. And if you’re currently struggling with your teenager, here’s some more help for handling the tumultuous teen years.
What do you do when you are having a difficult time with your teen?
