I stared at the defiant face in front of me, my chest rising and falling. My kid did something unkind, and it made me angry. In this moment, I no longer wanted to be in the same room, so I stormed into the kitchen to cool down. And that’s when a horrible, guilty thought entered my mind: Is it normal to not like your child? Even for an hour?
The answer is yes. I don’t like thinking it, let alone saying it. But parenting comes with many struggles and emotions. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have them. It’s normal to not like your child now and then. The important thing is, we always love our kids—no matter what. Here are 4 things to understand about these mixed emotions and what you can do to strengthen your relationship with your kid.
1. Your kid may be in a stage right now.
Maybe your child has been selectively listening to you for a while now. She’s 11 and a tween. It’s probably a stage. But even if your child’s biting as a 3-year-old, stretching the truth as a 6-year-old or sneaking onto social media as a 14-year-old, she’s probably testing your boundaries and seeing what she can get away with. It doesn’t make her a bad kid.
Here’s the truth: It’s normal to not always like your child. Remember, kids are supposed to test boundaries. It’s how they learn and individuate. You don’t have to like the stage they’re in, but when you love them through these rough patches, they grow more confident and secure with their place in this world.
2. Your kid is separate from his behavior.
Maybe it’s not just a stage, but part of your child’s behavior or personality. Maybe he’s got a fiery temperament and fights you about getting up for church. Or he pushes boundaries and doesn’t seem to care about your rules. There are qualities about our children that we may be unable to change. Whether it’s behavior that’s different from our own, or behavior that stems from a diagnosis, we have to accept our children for who they are and separate the behavior from the child.
Here’s the truth: You probably feel some shame, thinking you don’t like your child. And it’s normal to have these feelings. But “[n]ot liking your child’s behavior is very different from not liking them as a person,” says James Lehman, MSW. You’re probably frustrated at times, and that’s understandable. But Lehman advises to not take the behavior personally. He also suggests focusing more on the solution, rather than the problem: What can I do this evening to not get into an argument about homework?
3. You can enjoy your kid without comparing her to others.
If your tween struggles with completing schoolwork on time, you may wish she was more like the girl who’s always in the email blast from school, winning academic awards. Or, if your kid often gets in trouble for breaking the school’s phone rules or dress code, you may feel embarrassed and angry. You might also worry that other moms or family members don’t see you as a good enough parent. All of these concerns can make you not like your child at times.
Here’s the truth: We love our kids, but we might feel a little resentful of them when their behavior makes us look bad or feel like we’re not good enough at parenting. “Every parent has felt resentful of their kids at one point or another,” says Ellen Braaten, PhD. But “these feelings are normal and universal.” Often, they surface when we’re stressed or short on sleep. Taking care of yourself could be the first step to help you connect more with your child and find the qualities in her that you really love and enjoy.
4. Your kid is uniquely made.
If your older kid is a rule-follower, it might come as an unpleasant surprise to realize your younger child is a rule-breaker. Or maybe one kid is outgoing and friendly while the other is shy and introverted. But that’s OK. Our kids aren’t meant to be mini versions of ourselves or their siblings. They’re uniquely made with their own strengths and weaknesses.
Here’s the truth: It’s normal to not like your child every minute of the day. What mom feels like hugging their kid when he wallops his brother with a tennis racket? Or lies about turning off the parental controls on his phone? Or talks back, rolls his eyes, or slams doors? But we can look at these moments as opportunities to let our kids know our love is unconditional. Then, we can work to teach values that will help them grow into respectful, caring, and conscientious teens and young adults.
How have you handled the uncomfortable feelings of not liking your child now and then?
