“But you’ve gotta get a photo with Santa, or you’ll regret it,” my mom told me one Christmas after I’d mentioned we weren’t going visit the guy in red. I only have my kids for 50 percent of the time, and standing in line for hours wasn’t worth it. My kids didn’t care, so I scratched it off the list, but her comment made me second-guess my decision. Would I regret it?
Single moms experience the holidays differently than married moms. Managing finances, time with relatives, squeezing in Christmas fun—it’s different when you’re on your own, and it can be overwhelming. But you can have a peaceful holiday even when others try to disrupt it with their opinions and comments. Here are 5 ways to guard your peace and keep it throughout the season.
1. Reclaim the power.
My friend Rachel lives in a one-bedroom apartment, and her daughter sleeps on a pullout couch when she’s over. She confessed to me that as Christmas crept closer, so did intrusive thoughts like, “I should let her sleep at her dad’s on Christmas Eve.” When I asked her where those thoughts came from she said her ex-mother-in-law had made subtle hints about Dad’s house being more “Christmas morning appropriate.”
Words like that can feel like a robber stealing your strength and peace. If this happens to you, ask yourself, “How much power am I giving this person over me? Why?” Then envision an emotional boundary around yourself, and before you let any words through, ask if this person has earned the right to speak into your life.
2. Decorate the season with gratitude.
We’ve all seen images of the perfect Christmas: Mom and Dad cuddled in their plaid pajamas sipping coffee while the kids play on the floor with new toys for hours. That’s not how it looks at my house. I share the day with my ex-husband, so we’re always eyeing the clock to be on time for the meet-up.
But just because my Christmas doesn’t look like what someone else has determined is ideal doesn’t mean it’s not its own brand of perfect. Instead of dwelling on how the holiday falls short, I look at what we have to be grateful for—we live close enough to share time and my kids have four parents who love them. What are you grateful for? Quality time you’ll have with your children when they come home? The joy of decorating how you want? Maybe the financial freedom of a simpler Christmas?
3. Pick your battles (and your traditions).
A peaceful holiday starts with deciding what matters to you. If your ex-husband says, “We’re taking the kids to see Santa,” and you haven’t yet decided if you want to take them, say OK, and ask for a copy of the photo. On the other hand, if there’s something you don’t want to miss, like a church service or a family gathering, discuss it in advance with your ex, and protect that time. You’ll have peace knowing the important things are set, and the rest can come and go.
4. Give yourself the gift of patience.
The holidays can trigger loneliness and frustration, especially when your children are with their dad. Be patient with yourself and others because your emotions are probably bubbling right at the surface.
When your kids talk about the gift they think Santa’s bringing to Daddy’s house, you might feel insecure, jealous, or melancholy. Be patient with yourself as you work through those thoughts, but don’t dwell in that negative space. Accept that the holidays are hard for single moms and that you might need time to grieve or process your emotions.
5. Focus on the present that’s not under the tree.
It’s easy for single moms to think about what their kids had when dad was around or how Christmases in the future could be merrier if they remarry. Sometimes the “other” person trying to steal your peace is a past or future version of you.
Instead, of thinking about what was or what might come to be, think about what is. If you’re home alone watching Holiday Inn for the third time this season, smile at the silliness of Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye singing Sisters. When you catch your kids sneaking another cookie, don’t worry about them spoiling their dinner. Pause and let your heart take in the innocence of tiny hands that want just one more sweet treat. Look around at the evidence of love and joy in your home, and rest in the peace that is yours to keep.
What helps you have a peaceful holiday? How do you protect it from other people’s plans or opinions?
