Sometimes, when my daughter’s digging her heels in, refusing to clear her dishes or brush her teeth, my husband and I look at each other with wide eyes and I know we’re sharing the same thought: How do we get her to cooperate? Nothing works! She can be super stubborn, especially when she’s overtired at the end of the week. But we still want her to do what she’s told. Really, is telling her to put her dishes in the dishwasher too much to ask?
No, of course not. But my daughter’s stubbornness is getting in the way, and I want it to change. How can I make that happen? Whether it’s uncooperativeness, self-centeredness, laziness, or some other vice you want to change in your child, there are some strategies for that. If you are thinking about how to attain better results with a kid who refuses to change, try these 5 tricks.
1. Accept who your child is.
The day after my daughter was born, my mom told me my girl “has a mind of her own.” I don’t know how she knew, but she was right. Sometimes this trait comes across as stubbornness or disobedience. Both are frustrating. But as a tween, my daughter has remarkably stuck to her preferences for clothing style and interests rather than adopting the questionable trends of other girls her age. For that, I’m grateful.
With a kid who refuses to change, look for the positive side of a particular trait. A strong-willed child is determined. A lazy child enjoys living in the moment. A self-centered child still needs time to mature.
2. Accept that parenting is hard.
“Every stage has its challenges.” Have you heard this bit of wisdom? As a toddler, my daughter loved helping me unload the dishwasher so much that one day, she dropped a plate and broke her big toe. I felt like we were in the ER every other month at that age. Fast-forward a decade, and now she hates unloading the dishwasher, but she hasn’t ridden in an ambulance in years. Kids change and our parenting has to change with them to meet their needs and teach what needs to be taught.
At some stages, it’s easier to teach certain values than others. Your child may not be selfless or self-motivated quite yet, but you can keep working with her. Some things take more time than others to click.
3. Change your expectations.
“You have a missing math assignment?” I tried to stay calm, but inside, my blood boiled. The weekly grade report arrives via email every Friday—perfect timing to ruin the start of the weekend. But I’m learning that a Friday evening battle over homework due last Wednesday won’t change my child’s grade. It’ll only stress everyone out.
Even though I thought my child was old enough to handle school deadlines on her own, it wasn’t working. I needed to get more involved earlier in the week by checking her backpack. With my help, she’s doing much better at getting work done and turned in on time.
4. Change your delivery.
“Bella, what the heck?” Sharon growled at her daughter during the Girl Scout meeting. “Pull your dress down. No one wants to see your underwear.” Bella turned bright pink as the other girls went silent. I felt for her. Embarrassing your daughter isn’t the way to go.
How I speak to my kids matters. I may get frustrated at times, but ordering them around like a staff sergeant doesn’t make them more willing to cooperate. Rather, I strive to be kind and empathetic and find this gets a much better response: “I can see you’re reading, but can you please empty the dishwasher when you get to the end of the chapter?”
5. Change your response.
Most people like to feel appreciated, and kids are no exception. “Thank you for picking up your clothes. I’m glad I only had to ask once.” When we acknowledge their good behavior, we reinforce what we want to happen in the future. Even if there’s a struggle, when your child finally complies, acknowledge him for it. “When you shared with your sister, it made her feel good. I know you didn’t want to, but you did a good thing.”
Separating our anger or frustration from our words is hard. But if we can eliminate the negative emotion from feedback, it’ll help motivate our kids to do better.
With a kid who refuses to change, sometimes it takes a different approach and a little more prayer. But with consistency and patience, you can learn how to bring out the best in both of you.
With a kid who refuses to change, sometimes it takes a different approach and a little more prayer. Click To TweetHow else can we positively influence a kid who refuses to change?
