“Can you find my band folder?” my son asked, shaking corn flakes into his bowl. “Where did you last see it?” I asked. He glanced up, and with his mouth full, said, “Maybe my room?” In the past, I would’ve rushed off to help. But this morning, I took a deep breath. “When you go up to brush your teeth, you can take a look then.”
I don’t think “lazy” is the right term for this parenting style. Rather, I think it’s being intentional about your parenting choices. And for some of us, stepping back and watching our kids struggle a bit can be much harder than stepping in to help. But when we purposely hold off, we’re teaching our kids how to be capable human beings. And this is so important! So, call it what you want, but here are 3 ways to make lazy parenting work for your family.
1. Step back from what your child is doing and wait.
Maybe it’s our nature, but a lot of us want to help, guide, and speed up what our kids are doing. But to be a “lazy parent,” you must step back, wait, and let kids do things for themselves whether it’s zipping a jacket, pouring a glass of orange juice, or struggling with a math assignment. This will take an enormous amount of self-control on your part. For me, the hardest part is when my child starts to whine. At that point, I want to step in and put an end to the complaints. But we have to control our own impulse to help and rescue our child so he can learn through this process. Remind yourself that what you think is “helping” is actually not allowing your child to learn what he’s capable of.
Bottomline benefits: When kids work through a struggle, they gain confidence. They’re also learning to be self-reliant and independent, which are important life skills.
2. Relax your family’s schedule.
A lot of us drive our kids all over the place for lessons, practices, and other enrichment activities. I’m one of them. And my kids barely had free time when they were little. But now that they’re older, I have a better perspective. The kids have extra-curriculars, but they also have downtime to hang out with friends or do things on their own. My daughter discovered she loves to draw, and my son has dabbled with poetry. Downtime to play or be bored allows kids time to get creative and use their imaginations. Also, if you’re not in a hurry to be somewhere, it’s easier to give your child the space to struggle through something by herself—like that tough zipper.
Bottomline benefits: You may not believe it right now, but the confidence that comes from independently struggling through and accomplishing little daily tasks is going to carry your child through grade school and beyond. She’s going to feel better about herself and what she can accomplish.
3. Find the right balance for your family.
If you’re running the kids around all the time, you’re probably worn out. And if you do everything for them, the kids may think they’re your only interest. This can breed entitlement. Putting more responsibility on them will help them build self-efficacy and also prevent you from burning out. It’s lazy parenting, but it isn’t easy to do, especially when many of us have adopted what US surgeon general Vivek Murthy says is the “modern practice of time-intensive parenting,” focusing on “childhood achievement.” Finding the right balance so you’re not hitting the bed each night utterly wiped out is essential. A stressed, exhausted mom isn’t the best version for your family.
Bottomline benefits: When you’re rested and less stressed, you’re going to have more patience when your child takes forever picking out his clothes or packing up his schoolbag. And when you don’t jump in and help all the time, children learn “self-motivation—an essential ingredient of independence,” says Dr. Shimi Kang. If a child feels capable, she’s going to have stronger mental health as well. Kang advises us to be supportive but not controlling. That may be lazy parenting, but it’s also smart parenting.
How can you put lazy parenting into practice in your home?
