Getting to know the kids—hands down the best part of teaching high schoolers. But of all the boys and girls I taught, guess which lingered behind more to talk. Who left me hand-written letters? Who came back to visit after graduation and even emailed me out of the blue years later? The boys. They were football players. Baseball players. Preppy boys and hoodie-wearing boys. “A” students and borderline “F” students. Outgoing boys and introspective boys. All kinds. I listened to them as they talked about their struggles with homework or girls or home life. They seemed lonely and hungry for someone to listen. Now I have my own teen son, and I’m trying to understand his needs too.
Boys are longing for connection. Even if they have a group of friends, they may not be getting the emotional support they need. The male loneliness epidemic is a problem across our country. But there are 3 things we can do to support our teen boys. It’s crucial for their well-being.
1. Acknowledge his feelings.
I don’t fit in anywhere. Nobody cares about me. I feel invisible. I don’t think anyone would notice if I didn’t show up to class. I’m tired of being by myself. If your son’s telling you how he feels, that’s huge. But, if you’re like me, your impulse might be to quash those statements because they’re so hard to hear: “That’s not true!” The thing is, you want your son to be comfortable coming to you and to feel safe sharing his thoughts. He doesn’t want to be judged, criticized, or blamed for having the feelings he has.
Instead, repeat back what you’re hearing to make sure you understand: You’re saying you think nobody cares about you. When you’re actively listening, you’re validating your son’s feelings. “’It helps people feel more understood and strengthens relationships as it signals a willingness to sit with the other’s perspective and empathy for their situation,’” explains licensed clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff. Knowing you get it, and that they’re not alone, can be half the battle.
2. Be curious. Talk to him more.
During the school day, your son may not talk much to anyone beyond superficial conversations about schoolwork or video games. And when he gets home, he may send someone a text, but it’s not the same as having a real conversation on the phone. Remember the days of landlines in the kitchen? Now, it’s harder to overhear our kids talking, and harder still to coach them on conversational skills. Because of this, they aren’t getting a lot of practice with social skills, which are useful to help combat loneliness.
If your son mentions a funny meme or video game, “Be curious about it,” says Keren Landman, MD. Get him talking and spend some extra time with him. Not only will your attention help ward off some feelings of loneliness, but through interacting with you, he can pick up on the social skills many teen boys don’t get to practice at school. Landman says that the consequences for boys who lack social skills aren’t good: “As they grow up, they often lose close friendships with other boys, even though they really want them.” Keep your ears alert and use those moments as opportunities to engage with your son. You have an important role in fighting the male loneliness epidemic and its impact on your son.
3. Limit his screen time.
When my teen son wants to decompress, his favorite thing to do is to play online. And he’s not the only one. A recent Pew Research study found that 85 percent of teenagers play video games while 62% of boys consider themselves “gamers.” But retreating to screens rather than hanging out in person with friends is factoring into the male loneliness epidemic. Jonathan Haidt, PhD, author of The Anxious Generation, says that by 2015, a staggering number of boys said “that they had no close friends, that they were lonely, and that there was no meaning or direction to their lives.” With gaming, kids can leave online relationships or be cut off whenever a relationship doesn’t work out. It’s an escape that makes them “less likely to develop into men with the social skills and competencies to achieve success in the real world,” says Haidt. That’s scary.
Lonely boys may also go online and spend time on social media, searching for answers to vulnerable questions or for a community of support. But you don’t want the wrong sort of community speaking into your son’s ear, pulling him back online day after day. “The virtual world, with pornography and ideological provocation, is facilitating men’s withdrawal,” says journalist Jean Guerrero. According to Guerrero, “Black and Latino boys and young men from low-income households are the loneliest.” We need to find ways for our sons to fill their time other than online.
As hard as it is to backtrack with phones and gaming time, it’s something we need to think about. Get out in nature with your son, take walks together, and go back to throwing the ball around if that’s something you both enjoyed when he was little. As moms, we might need to be creative to put an end to our boys’ loneliness and stop this trend from continuing into adulthood.
How can moms play a role in ending the male loneliness epidemic?
