“My husband hasn’t been home before seven every night this week, and then we fall asleep late after sparring with each other about stupid stuff. I’m cranky, he’s cranky, and I’m just so tired. You know?” My friend heaved a sigh and looked at her feet. I threw my arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a hug. “Yeah, I get it. It’s not easy sometimes.”
Life. Marriage. Both can get hard. But in the end, do you work through things with your husband? Do you grow from your challenges? For two people to grow closer, working through rough spots together is essential. Being willing to talk, disagree, and hopefully come out better in the end can make a marriage richer and bring two people even closer. We can try to smooth the bumps with these 5 things when marriage is hard.
1. Recommit.
Sometimes, when marriage is hard, it might feel easier to give up or check out. But life coach Wayne Parker says, “Ruminating about what your life might be like outside of your marriage can make it harder to commit to your relationship. It can also leave you feeling less motivated to try to improve your marriage.” Instead, he says couples should decide ahead of time that divorce isn’t an option. When things get hard, you then know the only option is to recommit to make it work.
Put it into action: If you’re drifting apart, resolve to spend more time together to work through differences. Working with a couple’s counselor for a season might also help.
2. Honor.
My friend’s husband spends Saturday mornings biking with a group of guys. They head out early, cover a ton of miles, and then come home before lunch. My friend doesn’t love how long he’s gone, but she’s realized it’s good for him to have this time with friends to exercise and destress. Her story made me think how important it is that we honor our husbands. Respecting what refills your husband’s tank is good for marriage. Hopefully he’ll do the same for you as well.
Put it into action: If you’re feeling that marriage is hard, spend a minute or two thinking about all the things that first drew you together. Then think about how you can honor your husband for the man he’s become.
3. Forgive.
There are times when I’ve been hurt and don’t feel ready to move on. If this is something you’ve felt too, you’re not alone. Forgiveness usually isn’t easy. And whatever we’re feeling—sadness, anger—is OK to sit with for a while. But eventually, the feelings lose some intensity. And that’s when a choice needs to be made about whether to offer forgiveness. It can be a gift you can give not just your husband but yourself. It’s when healing takes place.
Put it into action: Forgiveness benefits you too. Giving up the burden of carrying around anger, resentment, or another heavy emotion frees you up. When marriage is hard, give yourself time to think, to pray, and hopefully, you will be able to forgive.
4. Apologize.
To deescalate tension or resolve an argument quickly, an apology is like the golden ticket. Saying “I’m sorry” can pull you and your husband back together and avoid making a situation bigger than it should be. Of course, being the first person to apologize isn’t easy. It takes humility. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. And you can be proud of yourself for taking the first step.
Put it into action: If you’ve made a mistake, or even if you’ve hurt your husband on purpose, it will be better if you own up to it. Try starting this way: I’m sorry—I misunderstood. Or I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.
5. Talk.
It can be super hard to fit in quality time with your hubby on a weeknight. But finding a few minutes to share your feelings, clear up any misunderstandings, and give a compliment or two are essential to making a marriage work. If the two of you are good communicators, it makes sense that you’ll be happier as a couple. That’s what a study in ResearchGate found. Better communication skills led “to a better understanding” and an increase in intimacy between spouses.
Put it into action: Make the effort today to connect with your husband. Be open about what’s on your mind, but don’t forget to listen to him too.
When marriage is hard, what are some other things you can do to make things better?
