“I’m the only one who can make my son his birthday cake,” my friend Heather’s mother-in-law declared as she defiantly placed her cake carrier on the countertop right next to Heather’s cake. “He’s been eating my red velvet cake since he was 1, and that’s not gonna stop just because he’s married.” I’d hoped I’d misheard her, but my friend’s ashen face confirmed my ears worked just fine. And Heather’s husband? Well, his emotions downshifted from happiness to confusion as he looked from his mom to his wife.
While meddling mothers-in-law remain fodder for comedians, it’s no joke when tensions with yours cause problems. Although one poll found that over 60% of women have a good relationship with their mother-in-law, issues could still crop up, but that doesn’t mean your marriage needs to suffer. Use these 4 proactive approaches to handle your mother-in-law issues together.
1. Prioritize your marriage.
Your marriage is your safe space, and your husband is your person (and you are his!). Don’t let anyone, not even family, undermine that. You and your husband chose each other and committed to build a life together. Your bond with each other comes first, no matter how opinionated, meddlesome, or “helpful” your mother-in-law (or your mom) might be.
When mother-in-law issues arise, talk about them openly, honestly, and calmly as a couple. Use “I Feel” statements to encourage empathy and reduce defensiveness, especially if your husband (or you) doesn’t see the problem. Also, be on guard for specific times when in-law problems might flare up, such as around holidays, parenting decisions, and, yes, even when you decide to bake your husband a birthday cake. By addressing potential issues ahead of time, you guard your relationship by deciding together how to handle them.
2. Present a united front.
While using “I” statements helps you communicate better inside your marriage, using “we” statements helps you tell people outside your marriage that you and your husband stand together. That one little word, “we,” takes the power away from other influencers who may knowingly (or unknowingly) try to manipulate situations or feelings in their favor. Plus, presenting a united front strengthens your bond as a couple as you face challenges hand in hand, back each other up, and show that your loyalty lies with your spouse first.
In practice, it might sound like this:
- “Thanks for the invitation, Mom. We want to be at home for Christmas morning. It’s important to us to watch the kids open presents around our tree.”
- “I appreciate your opinion, Jana. But, we decided Jack is ready to start kindergarten in the fall. We don’t want to wait until he’s 6.”
- “I know you and Dad did things differently, but we found this works for us.”
3. Set boundaries.
You and your husband are the main characters in your love story. So, together, you get to outline your own rules and expectations for your family, including your boundaries—your privacy expectations, your parenting styles, how you spend holidays… It’s not about being mean or pushing everyone else away.
When you kindly set clear boundaries with your in-laws, you effectively say, “We love and respect you, but this is our life and our decision.” This can help create a more positive relationship with your in-laws and circumvent mother-in-law issues.
In practice, it may sound like this:
- “We found a routine for bedtime that works well for us, so we’d like to stick to it. Thank you for supporting us in this.”
- “We value your involvement, but we need some family time just for the three of us. Let’s plan a visit for another day.”
- “It’s important for us to have some quiet time together in the evening. Can we agree to avoid phone calls after 8 p.m.?”
4. Practice empathy.
Girl, I get it. Trust me. When dealing with mother-in-law issues, practicing empathy might not be your first instinct or even your 17th instinct, if that’s even a thing. However, by pausing and putting yourself in her shoes for a moment, you might be able to see her as just another mom doing the best she can (just like you). Maybe she’s struggling to let go, or she’s worried about her child’s happiness, or maybe she doesn’t really know where she fits in anymore. Understanding her perspective doesn’t mean you support her actions or bend to her boundary-crossing requests, but it can help you respond with authentic compassion.
By approaching the situation with empathy, you can address mother-in-law issues without turning it into a battle between you and her or you and your husband. After all, it’s your husband who can feel stuck in the middle between the two women he loves.
What mother-in-law issues do you struggle with in your marriage?
