My husband cheated. “What? That’s not funny…wait…” Those were the first words I uttered when my husband confessed his unfaithfulness. I refused to believe it was real because MY husband would never do something like that! But he did. In a moment of weakness and nearly 48 hours of sleeplessness, the enemy tempted and he succumbed to sin. When I realized he spoke the truth, shock set in, and I did the first thing that came to my mind… I ran away. I quickly grabbed my stuff and sped away, desperate for a place to be alone. I wept unbelieving tears and wanted to curl up and die. It hurt so much, so deeply, so badly.
Sure, I can tell you everything my husband did wrong, but I won’t. I can, however, tell you what has helped us move past the initial pain and betrayal and making our marriage worth fighting for.
1. Confession and Repentance.
Within hours of my husband unfaithfulness, he came to me and told me what he had done and then wept bitter tears, clinging to me. I was blessed because I didn’t hear it second-hand or read it in a text or email, but it STILL hurt. However, without confession and repentance, the path to restoration is nearly impossible. If you haven’t had this type of healing yet, I am so sorry. And when you’re ready, here are 5 ways to forgive your husband when it’s hard.
2. Counseling and Accountability.
My husband sought help from a close friend who is also a Christian counselor—of his own accord. We both go to counseling now. I go to make sure I am NOT continuing to blame myself and learn to trust him again. He goes to seek the root causes of his struggles. He also has a great accountability partner and their times together are encouraging, prayerful, and pressing on towards the goal set before him… not wallowing in self-pity and defeat. Here’s an iMOM post on 3 things you can do to help your marriage heal.
My husband learned about Covenant Eyes and, within days, bought the filter for all his electronic devices. This filter/app is amazing because it lets both me and his accountability partner know every website visited, every app used, and how much time is spent on each app or surfing the web. It has greatly helped me relax and is building back the trust between us.
At the point that I am writing this, it’s been less than three months, and I’m still struggling. We both must have patience with each other and ourselves. My behavior towards my husband changed rather quickly. My need to overly control everything right now is a defense mechanism. My curt responses and quick withdrawals from his touch both come from a wounded heart. My continual thoughts blaming myself for not being intimate enough or pretty enough are natural, but still lies. Patience is desperately needed every day. I also am trying to find hope from couples who have stayed together after marriage catastrophes.
When the hurt surfaces and it’s tough to breathe, when I want to retaliate, I return to my wedding vows. We promised God and ourselves to stay with each other, through our “for worse” and this feels like the worst. I love my husband and forgive him, but God has to do it through me every day until we are fully healed. What words of encouragement can you offer other women like me?