I sucked my thumb until I was 11. I didn’t do it in public, just at home while watching TV and falling asleep. To the parent whose child won’t quit the thumb, here’s a word that will give you some peace: I never needed braces. Maybe the thumb-sucking moved my teeth into place! But one thing that did make me wish I wasn’t a thumb-sucker was sleepovers.
I’d always try to sleep at the end of the row of girls so I could lay on my side and go undetected. I would be mortified if my friends saw me. I don’t remember it ever being a question of whether or not I’d go to a sleepover though. We’d just always RSVP “yes.” But today, wise parents give sleepovers a little more thought. Here are 4 questions to ask yourself before you roll up the bag and send your child to sleep at someone else’s house.
1. Am I comfortable asking the other parents important questions?
I remember planning to have friends over when I was 12 and hearing my mom talk to another mom on the phone. I only heard my mom’s side of the conversation: “Beer and wine… The fridge or cabinet…” I asked what the other mom was saying, and my mom said she wanted to know if there was alcohol around and if so, where we kept it. My mom was caught off guard but not offended. If it meant the other family was comfortable letting their daughter stay over, she was happy to answer any questions.
You can’t know everything there is to know about your kids’ friends’ homes, so before you say yes to sleepovers, you should make sure you’re comfortable asking those awkward questions. Will alcohol be accessible? Are there guns in the house? Will you be around? And if you have a very long list of questions, it might be a sign you don’t know the family well enough.
2. Will older siblings be around?
This is a big one. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older or more powerful children. Older siblings look like heroes to young kids. They want to be like them and have their approval. If you find out that an older brother or sister will be there, it’s time to talk to your child about what boundaries to set. This is especially true of a house where your child spends the night frequently. No bathroom sharing, no going into the sibling’s room, and no closed doors.
3. Will they have access to unfiltered internet?
When discussing my curfew, my mom always said, “Nothing good happens after 11 p.m.” Navigating the roads and hanging out wasn’t as safe at that late hour. The same is true for kids navigating and hanging out on the internet. When kids are at a sleepover and the late hours start creeping in, they get curious and daring.
I remember being at a sleepover and having a girl show me a magazine she found in her brother’s room. We didn’t look at it, only saw the stack under the bed. But today, kids have their phones in their hands nonstop, and when the sun goes down and parents go to sleep, the temptation is just too great. It’s not unreasonable to request zero internet access if the parents aren’t in the room.
4. Is my child ready?
For kids who struggle with separation or bedtime problems like nightmares or bed wetting, offer to pick them up at a late hour and bring them back in the morning.
Child-readiness is also reflected in a kid’s ability to adjust to another household’s rules and practices. I went to a sleepover at a home where one parent smoked. My mom told me in advance to expect it and not react weirdly. Not every kid is ready to adjust his behavior and demeanor.
Before You Send Your Child to a Sleepover
OK, so you’ve asked these questions and you think you’re giving the sleepover a thumbs up. Along with a talk about manners, safety, and what behavior is appropriate, be sure to discuss an “out.” This is the method and vocabulary for your child to use to tell you she wants to come home.
If she doesn’t have a cell phone, consider giving her your husband’s for the night or have an agreed-upon check-in time when she can call home from a parent’s phone. Come up with a code that she can use to clue you in that she changed her mind. She can ask about the dog or what you had for dinner. Having an out is a way to ensure that she won’t be stuck in a dangerous situation.
Do you allow your child to go to sleepovers? Why or why not?
