At our co-ed wedding shower, people had all kinds of marriage advice for us. Some of it was solid—assume the best of one another, be open about finances, and prioritize sex. I’ve found that the best marriage advice involves forgiveness, commitment, and dying to self. But those concepts can be twisted into less-than-helpful advice.
Yes, some of the counsel we received didn’t quite sit well with us. It took us a few heated discussions to realize these pieces of well-meaning advice might not actually be the best rules to live by. Here are 4 of the most common pieces of marriage advice you shouldn’t listen to. Have you been told any of them?
1. It should be hard work.
Marriage shouldn’t always be hard. Sure, it does require work, and it definitely takes being intentional, but it shouldn’t always feel like a chore. Are you and your husband taking time to enjoy one another? If you find that you’re both too serious about life and responsibilities, try doing something fun together. Start taking nightly walks or go play trivia at a local restaurant once a month. If communication is a constant battle, commit to a handful of counseling sessions to give you tools that can help.
2. Don’t go to bed until the issue is resolved.
“Don’t go to bed angry” is some of the best marriage advice you’ll hear, but that’s different from having to solve the problem. My husband and I stayed up many late nights trying to reach an agreement. Usually, it meant one of us was beyond tired, and the other one did most of the talking. The more tired we got, the more frustrated or irrational we grew. It was impossible to reach a solution this way. Most of the time, what we really needed was a break from discussing the issue. Agree to table the discussion, but let go of anger and give each other a kiss goodnight. You might find that by morning, you’ll have a new perspective.
3. Your kids should come first.
Putting your kids first is a surefire way to have conflict in your marriage. It’s just a bad idea. What you invest into will grow, but if you invest into your kids but not into your relationship, then both will suffer. You will be doing your kids a favor when they see their parents putting each other first. Here are some other ways to protect your marriage.
Looking for something to strengthen your relationship? Try this 30-day marriage challenge.
4. Address your problems head-on.
Men tend to be direct, but they often need time and space when there’s an issue or a request. If you’re constantly addressing what you don’t like or what you need, he may feel like he can’t do anything right, so why even try? Or he may feel like you’re nagging him. There are other subtle ways to have a conversation. Instead of spilling all of your thoughts, try asking your husband a question and listening to how he feels about the issue at hand.
What well-meaning but bad marriage advice have you gotten? What’s some of the best marriage advice you’ve received?
