Last summer, my husband and I reluctantly spent $300 on a tiny device about the size of a computer mouse that sticks to the headboard of the bed. It was supposed to detect snoring and trigger another piece in my husband’s pillow to inflate. I hated spending that much money, but the snoring was getting so bad that I was lying awake at night, with my anger festering. After two months of experimenting with the thing, he was still snoring, we were out $300, and I was considering filing for a sleep divorce.
Snoring, sleep apnea, insomnia, sheet hogs… There are plenty of things our husbands (or we) do that rob us of our coveted sleep. And when we can point the finger at our husbands for why we’re groggy and grumpy, it’s easy to let sleep deprivation negatively affect our attitudes toward them. So—could a sleep divorce, or an agreement to sleep separately, be the right move for you?
Could a sleep divorce, or an agreement to sleep separately, be the right move for you? Click To TweetA sleep divorce might be what your marriage needs.
Like my situation, if you’re lying awake at night tossing, turning, and getting more frustrated by the second, you might struggle with not taking it out on your husband during your waking hours. In one of my less-mature moments, I sarcastically lashed out at my husband, saying he looked rested and that “it must be nice.” I know he’s not snoring on purpose, but my self-control is weak when I’m overtired.
A study conducted with more than 400 couples found that spouses’ sleep problems were associated with higher levels of marital unhappiness. If that’s you and it’s causing so many fights or feelings of contempt, then a sleep divorce could be helpful.
Also, if you’re so sleep-deprived that you’re getting fewer hours than you need to function, it’s going to take a toll on your overall health. Your kids, your marriage, and you deserve a healthy version of you.
But before you split, consider the benefits of sleeping together.
Splitting into separate rooms might feel like the right choice for you, but it’s not a decision to be taken lightly. Sharing a bed with your husband is important for intimacy—both physical and emotional. Some great conversations happen at bedtime when you’ve both put aside the cares of the day.
University of Minnesota family social science professor Dr. Paul Rosenblatt’s research found that the warmth of being close to one another is soothing in ways we may not even recognize. It increases feelings of intimacy with your spouse, and for women, it enhances a sense of physical safety and security. So before you pack your overnight bag and head to the guest room (and when you’re not tired), weigh the pros and cons together.
If you need a sleep divorce, do it the right way.
If you’ve exhausted everything else (sound machines, earplugs, a special mattress or pillow) and you and your husband have decided that the best option is to separate while you sleep, there’s a right way to do it. First, even though it’s officially called a sleep divorce, come up with a name that doesn’t include the d-word. Don’t put that label on any part of your marriage. For a more productive spin, how about “our plan to divide and conquer sleep?”
Whatever you decide to call your arrangement, make it exclusively about sleep by maintaining a bedtime routine. If you normally read side-by-side, watch a show, or pray together, do that before you retreat to your quiet place. And consider spending only weeknights apart. Come back together for Friday and Saturday nights when you might have an extra hour of sleep before the house starts getting noisy.
Would you ever consider sleeping separately from your husband? What could you do to maintain closeness even though you’re in separate beds?
