“How are you, Janis?” my mom said, cradling the phone. “Oh, good. And tennis is going well? Mmm-hmm. How’s your mom?” she paused, listening. “Great talking to you too. Here she is!” My mom passed the cream-colored receiver to me. “It’s your friend Janis.” I thanked her and pulled the long, curly cord past the pantry, past the fridge, and into the dining room. “Hey, Janis,” I said, sliding down the wall, onto the carpet. As a 13-year-old, I enjoyed talking on the phone for hours with my friends. But often, we’d have to engage in small talk with the other girl’s mom or dad first. Today, with smartphones (rather than the family phone mounted to the wall), all kids have to do is send a text to reach their friends. Kids lose an opportunity to practice the art of conversing with an adult or someone they don’t know well.
So, whether it’s chitchatting at Nana’s house or with the new lab partner, our children need to learn this important skill. Here are 5 small talk tips to teach 21st-century kids.
1. The Greeting
Our neighbor, Mrs. D, is often outside in her yard. Whenever we see her, we stop to chat. My kids have learned to say “Hi, Mrs. D!” and wave. It’s good practice to call people by name. My kids and I have talked about how it feels when another kid remembers their names at school. It’s not only a friendly way to greet someone, but it’s polite.
It might be easier to practice greeting people you won’t see again. Challenge your kids to greet the librarian as they check out books or the barista at the coffee shop. When I was a kid, my parents had me call to order pizza and it helped that I knew I wouldn’t have to look at the stranger as I spoke.
2. The Personality “Light Switch”
Years ago, my sister and I sat in the back seat of the car on the way to our church’s bingo night. “You have to turn your personality on,” my mom told us. “Some of the women will want to talk to you and ask you questions.” We looked at each other, not yet understanding. “Your personality is like a light switch,” she continued. “You need to flip it on. Having personality means saying more than just ‘yes’ or ‘no.’” I started to get the idea. No cavegirl talk. Full sentences required.
This might come easily to some kids, but for most, they have to learn it. It’s a conscious effort. So, practicing conversation at home or when you’re out and about helps. Have your kids come up with some easy lines to start small talk with others: Great weather we’re having, right? Or, Did you watch the game last night?
3. The Art of the “Ball Toss”
“Making conversation is like playing catch,” my dad said years ago. “You catch the ball when someone says something to you. But then, you throw it back. You can’t just hold the ball forever.” I use this analogy now with my own kids. “Toss the ball back,” I’ll tell them. “In other words, say, ‘I’m fine. How are you?’ or ‘Thanks. I got this shirt last summer in Ohio. Have you ever been there?’” Tossing the ball back often means asking the other person a question. Questions are great for getting people to talk.
Questions are great for getting people to talk. Click To TweetMy dad and I practiced making conversation with each other using a ball as a prop and it made it easier when I met someone new at school or at a family gathering. “I love art.” [Catch!] “Did you take art in school, Grandma?” [Toss!]
4. The Interested Face and Corresponding Body Language
My mom taught me that when making small talk, I also need an interested face. “I don’t want to do it,” I told my mom when she said all these ladies at church would want to talk to me. “You need to have good manners,” my mom countered. She explained that sometimes I needed to look interested, even if I’d rather be somewhere else.
Turning my body toward the other person showed openness, as did making eye contact. Smiling and nodding also showed deference and respect. I went over these rules recently with my son and added, “The interested face will help you make friends and also win favor with teachers and other grownups.”
5. The Exit
“It was nice talking to you!” I said to the 8-year-old on the playground. “Have fun playing!” I’d asked him a few questions because I knew his mom, but I could tell he wanted to get back to his friends. Yet, he stood awkwardly by my side, staring up at me.
Being adept at small talk also means knowing how to make a gracious exit after a few minutes of conversation. “I told Max I’d be right back,” he could’ve said. Or “Good to see you, Mrs. W!” That, along with a little wave would’ve been all he needed. Give your kids a few lines to use in case they feel it’s time to move on from Aunt Susie or the chatty kid in science class. Paired with a smile, your child will gain confidence in herself as she becomes more skilled at the art of small talk.
Where do your kids practice their skills with small talk?
