“This would be easier if I just did it myself.” I think I’ve said a version of those words in every area of my life. I’ve said them when volunteering at church: “It would be easier if I just led this committee.” I’ve said them about my kids: “Packing lunches would be easier if I just did it myself.” I’ve even said them about my mother: “It would be easier if I just hosted Christmas dinner.”
Taking responsibility for things because you’d rather be the one to carry the burden than watch someone else do it is classic overfunctioning. Overfunctioning is also doing a task because you believe you’re the only one who can do it right or who’ll think to do it at all. Maybe you think, “Hey, it’s working for me, so why change?” Well, it can have some detrimental effects on the people on the receiving end. If you’re not sure if you’re an overfunctioner like me, here’s what it looks like and how to overcome it.
3 Cases of Overfunctioning
Marie loves going to her family’s cabin for vacation, but she doesn’t love packing for the trip. Even though she’s made a list, she knows her husband, Chris, won’t remember all the kitchen supplies and the road trip essentials. He forgot bug spray last time. So she packs it all herself, along with her clothes, the kids’ clothes, and even Chris’s clothes. She won’t be able to sleep if she doesn’t just do it herself. She reminds Chris to call his parents to check in before they head out of town.
Marie is overfunctioning to manage her anxiety.
Alicia is the new president of the PTA. Before the start of the meeting, she’s chatting with the vice president, Mike, who says something derogatory about women. Alicia doesn’t want to say anything and make their working relationship uncomfortable for the entire school year. She decided she’ll just deal with it.
Alicia is overfunctioning and taking on unnecessary emotions in order not to rock the boat.
It’s 9 p.m. and Erica’s daughter Cici’s research paper on the Revolutionary War is due tomorrow. Cici looked through the textbook and can’t find the information she needs. She knows her grade is riding on this paper, and she starts to cry. Erica gets out her laptop and starts googling.
Erica is overfunctioning to help manage her daughter’s stress.
Why It Hurts
For every overfunctioner, there’s an underfunctioner. Marie’s husband isn’t learning how to pack the family for vacation, Alicia’s vice president needs to be put in an uncomfortable situation and hear how his language is inappropriate, and Cici needs to struggle through her paper and learn she can’t wait ’til the last minute.
When we overfunction, we rob other people of the chance to grow. We also hurt ourselves by taking on more than we should. If being responsible is good, then being very responsible should be better, right? Like any other poor way of managing stress, it will catch up with us.
When we overfunction, we rob other people of the chance to grow. Click To TweetHow to Overfunction Less
Like any habit, recognizing overfunctioning is the first step in doing it less. Next time you start to raise your hand to do the most difficult part of a work project or take the t-shirt out of your son’s hands because he can’t figure out how to fold it right, pause. Think about what’s compelling you to step in. Is it your discomfort? Do you think you’re the only one who can do the job well?
Try visualizing the other person’s growth because you’ve let go of control. Your husband, coworker, or daughter might not get it this time, but stepping back and letting them struggle or be uncomfortable will lead to forward progress and eventually less stress for you.
Are you an overfunctioner? In what way do you do it most?
