The first time I began to wrap my mind around the power of words to transform your marriage, I was sitting in front of our therapist. My husband was next to me, and we were trying to sort through some of the challenges we were facing. Suddenly, he mentioned something I said to him over a decade earlier—and he identified it as the origin of the problem. I was shocked. To me, what I’d said was a throwaway statement. But to him, it was a powerful, hurtful, rhetorical grenade that exploded in the midst of our otherwise happy marriage.
From that day on, I was determined to use my words more intentionally and positively. In marriage, it’s easy to get lazy with your words. But words are powerful. If your marriage is struggling, or even if it isn’t, you can transform your marriage by choosing your words carefully. Here are 5 statements that should become a regular part of your vocabulary.
1. This is what I hear you saying.
We’re constantly translating. Even when the other person is speaking the same language, we’re taking in body language, tone, and context and filtering it all through our own ideas and biases. Because of this, it’s easy to misunderstand each other, especially during a disagreement, when we’re often so focused on defending ourselves that we’re not really listening.
“This is what I hear you saying…” gives you a chance to make sure you’re both on the same page. It allows you to say back to your husband a summary of how you’re perceiving the conversation and gives you the chance to affirm that you heard him correctly or clarify any misunderstandings.
2. Tell me what you’re thinking and feeling.
We can get so consumed with our day-to-day responsibilities that we’re happy just to get through the day rather than do the hard work of connecting. But connecting is the key to longevity and health. And if we’re going to connect, we have to be willing to slow down and dig in.
A key question you can ask that will transform your marriage is simply, “What are you thinking and feeling?” Of course, if you’re going to ask this question, you need to be prepared to listen. And you need to be willing to take seriously what he says rather than dismiss or ignore it.
3. Please forgive me.
Some things are easier to say than others. And while “sorry” is an important word, it’s often inadequate. “Sorry” keeps all the power with you. Sure, it acknowledges that you did something wrong, but it doesn’t create space for your husband to engage with you. Saying “I’m sorry” is one-sided.
That’s why learning to ask for forgiveness has the power to transform your marriage. Why? It empowers your husband to speak into the process. Asking for his forgiveness takes you out of the driver’s seat and gives him the power to say yes or no. While this certainly can draw out a disagreement, it’s much more likely to lead to reconciliation than just saying “I’m sorry.”
Learning to ask for forgiveness has the power to transform your marriage. Click To Tweet4. I love this about you.
As the years go by, you can become a bit numb to what you love about your husband and focus on the things that irritate you. What you once easily overlooked now moves front and center. This is normal, but it can also be deadly.
A simple practice that can transform your marriage is learning to articulate the things you love about him. This takes work. You need to pay attention and you need to be willing to speak up, even if it feels awkward. But choosing to call attention to what your husband does well and what you love about him not only builds him up but also takes your attention off of the negative and puts it on the things that are good.
5. I’m feeling…
While many women are open about their emotions with their friends, when we’re talking to our husbands, we want them to read our minds. Men on the other hand hold in their feelings as a result of cultural ideas of what it means to “be a man” or because talking about feelings wasn’t modeled for them.
Author Brene Brown famously talks about vulnerability as the “birthplace of connection.” If this is true (and I believe it is), then an inability to talk about how we’re feeling creates a barrier to connecting deeply with our husbands. If you want to transform your marriage, learn to initiate sharing with your husband how you are feeling and give him space and time to express his feelings, too.
What other statements have you found have the power to transform your marriage?
